A little while back I used to work as manager of an automotive service center on Long Island. It was a relatively large enterprise made all the more stressful by the constant stream of customer complaints. (To be honest, the customers were usually the least of my problems. I could talk a fish into walking on land. But at the end of the day the customers leave. The employees were the bigger headache. anyway…)
I remember this one customer whom I encountered sometime within my first few weeks. He had gotten some front-end and suspension work done, then had an accident. Something about his car crashing into an abutment or some-such. Somehow he got it into his head that the cause of the accident was faulty struts. There was absolutely no basis for this and even if there was, insurance takes care of these matters. But here he was, sitting in my office, politely arguing his case.
I’ll never forget this man for 2 reasons. One, he was Haitian and somehow he figured out that I was Haitian too. Once he realized this he immediately began speaking to me in creole, perhaps thinking that he had found a more sympathetic soul.
(Sorry, mon frère. When I walk through that door my blood turns green.)
But the second reason I’ll never forget this dude is because of what he said at the end of his story.
He said, “Raphael, I just want to be made WHOOOOOLE again.”
So funny because of the way he emphasized the word “whole”, the way he closed his eyes and pantomimed a self-embrace and the fact that that sentence was the first English sentence since he stumbled upon our common ancestry.
The events of this past weekend have left me in a terrible state both mentally and physically.
The closer we get to the weekend, however, the closer I get to being made WHOOOOLE again.
So let’s get to it.
*****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 6*****
EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES
Chiefs @ Jack Kent Cooke -6.5
The Chiefs versus the Redskins! Americans holler and cheer while somewhere in the wilderness an Injun cries as he stumbles out of a shitty casino, penniless and drunk off Night Train.
I’m thinking Missouri finally posts an NFL vic in 09.
Texans @ Cin City -5
At some point this Bengals thrill ride is going to end.
Houston has the firepower to at least keep it close.
Browns @ The City of Champions -14
Troy’s back! It’s amazing how much of a difference maker this guy is on defense. Steelers cover at home without him but they might just shut them out with him.
Peezburg all day.
Speaking of All-Day, if there’s one thing the Ravens can still do, it’s stopping the run. If there’s one thing they CAN’T do, it’s covering the wide receiver. Like I said last week, it all comes down to how well their corners perform. Only way to beat the Vikings is with a strong front 7 (check) and good cover corners (no-check).
Take the Vikings.
Rams @ Jacksonville -9.5
Wow, did the Jaguars get atom-smashed! Who saw that coming? Fortunately for the Jags, playing St. Louis is just what the doctor ordered. I cannot begin to tell you how talentless this team is. It’s mindboggling.
Jags. Jags. Jags.
The New York Football Giants @ The Superdome -3
Quite possibly the game of the week. Let me just say this. The Giants are one of the few teams built to stop a spread offense like that of the Saints. They have a defensive line that can create pressure and play well against the run. They have linebackers that play gap-sound football. And they have athletic corners and nickelbacks that can cover.
I so wish Kenny Phillips was playing in this game.
Panthers @ East St. Petersburg +3 ±39 OVR
Lovely. But that’s not the East St. Petersburg I’m talking about…
Let’s see. Maybe if I refine this search…
...theeere’s the East St. Petersburg I know!
Yuuuuck!
Lions @ Lambeau -13.5
Any other week and I would probably take the Lions to cover. As bad as they are on defense (and they are bad), they play tough. They are nowhere near the worst team in football. That said, the Packers are coming off bye. They have some O-linemen getting healthy and Megatron is questionable.
You can feel squeamish about it, but GB covers.
LATE AFTERNOON GAMES
Yellow Jackets @ The Black Hole +14
The Eagles are who they always are. Somehow they’ve been able to maintain their intensity on defense and they’ve only gotten faster on offense. We might get to see a lot more of Vick out there in the second half so keep this game on standby even if it becomes a laugher.
Eagles. Obviously.
Cardinals @ Seattle -3
I just don’t understand the Cardinals. In fact, I don’t understand the NFC West at all. Since Polomalu is back it’s Fitzy’s turn to serve time on the Madden jinx (last chance to sell high, fantasy owners).
STOP....FIGHTING....IT’S.....INEVITABLE!!!”
I’m going with the home team.
Bills @ The Meadowlands -9.5
This is why I avoided all Buffalo players in my fantasy drafts. That Bills offense is like the plague. T.O, Lynch, Fred Jackson and Lee Evans and you can’t score more than 3 against the Browns?!
In what universe does dismantling your offensive line result in improved football performance?
Only the Jets could fuck this one up.
Oilers @ Foxborough -9
Every week I find myself in the same position (when I serve them up that readily, you’re obliged to just let it pass). I look at the line. I look at the matchup. I look at the Titans record and say to myself, “Humboldt…” (for this is what I call myself in my head). I say, “Humboldt, do you really think The Titans, a team that went 13-3 last year, is gonna start this season off 0-3…0-4…0-5?”
To be fair, I got a break from that last week when they went up against P-Money but…
…ach! I’m taking the Pats.
SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Bears @ The Georgia Dome -3
Here is what we’re gonna be able to take away from this game (besides some money if you bet on the home team). There’s a reason why a new coach is willing to trade away a Jay Cutler and there’s a reason why a new coach will stake his fledgling career on a Matt Ryan.
Go with the Falcons.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Broncos @ Qualcomm -3.5
Speak of the devil. Here we have Josh McDaniels who with each passing week is looking more and more like a certified genius. But we also have the Chargers, a team who’s GM thought it wise to dump Brees and go with Rivers. I don’t care what you tell me about how well Rivers plays. I just know that that team, especially LDT, LOVED Drew Brees. I’m not saying they don’t like Rivers. But I know they loved Drew Brees. That counts for a lot.
Anyway, the home team is coming off a bye so I’ll keep it simple and take the Chargers.
PARLAY OF THE WEEK
I know most of you don’t gamble and if you do you don’t trust or believe in my picks enough to put serious bank on any of these Parlays. But here’s the thing, when you’re getting 7/1 odds on something you don’t need to hit every time or even every other time to be a winner. After 5 weeks I’m 2-3 on these parlays. That’s a SHIT TON of bank. Last week I gave you 3 options and they ALL hit.
I’m just saying.
5-Team Tease (7pts.): Alabama -10.5, Texas Longhorns +4, Chiefs +13.5, Texans +12, Eagles -7, Bears/Falcons OVR 39.5
That’s right. I threw a couple college games in there. Red River Rivalry? Gotta get in on that. This tease gives you 5/1 odds so consider this my gift to you.
Happy trails, cowgirls and as always…
...Good Luck and God Bless!”
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