I'M A CHICKEN-HAWK...

...and YOU'RE a chicken!!!

*****NFL PICKS: WEEK 3*****

Another fun week.

Great prime-time games.

A few upsets (like the feeling of Redskins fans about their team only beating the Rams by two).

Ocho Cinco made a complete fool of Roger Goodell with his “Lambeau Leap”. Not only did he highlight the hypocrisy of forbidding premeditated endzone celebrations while allowing the Green Bay Packers to perform a stunt that has its own name. But he completely took the teeth out of Goodell’s proverbial bite. What was he to do? On the one hand he HAD to fine him for what could be more premeditated than the performance of a pre-named stunt that was announced and publicly reported on a week before the game. But doing so would mean he’d have to outlaw the tradition entirely.

Bravo Ocho, but please don’t stop there. Let’s make every Sunday a spectacle.

I think I scrambled to go 11-6 last week (if you count the Saints OVR). That’s 22-11 on the season.

Let’s hope I do even better this week.

EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES

OILERS @ The Meadowlands -3 (±37)

Both these teams cost me a lot of money last week. Too much faith in the Titans at home and not enough in The Jets playing against New England. Now I’ve got both teams going against each other and I’m left with this dilemma. Do I suck it up and accept that Mark Sanchez and this Jets defense is for real? Or do I refuse to think a team like the Titans will start the season 0-3?

Wish this line wasn’t so low but I’m going with Tennessee.

Jags @ HOUSTON -3.5 (±47)

And here’s the other half of my Houston Bowl screw job. Now that I think about it, this team (along with the Jets) screwed me 2 weeks in a row. There’re at home. Everyone’s healthy and the Jags are still one dimensional.

The New Texans cover.

Browns @ CHARM CITY -13 (±38.5)

The Ravens D is letting me down fantasy-wise but in actual football play they can afford to be less than their best because they finally have an offense that can post 30 on any given. Hard to believe we’ve come to a point where one would seriously consider The Ravens covering 2 TDs as a favorite.

But nothing about the Browns tells me they’ll score more than 6 points. Just terrible.

I’m taking Baltimore.

Braves @ MOTOWN +6.5 (±38.5)

Hey! Remember last year during the automaker bailout crisis when the DC fat-cats made the all the Detroit fat-cats come down to Washington to kiss the ring?

Well this has nothing to do with that.

ACTIVATE MEGATRON!

The New York Football Giants @ Tamp Bay +6.5 (±44) OVR

Boy, did my G-Men come through for me big time down in Dallas! There were 2 players I desperately wanted in the 08 draft: Kenny Phillips and Mario Manningham. Unfortunately the football gods will not let me have both of them healthy for a full season. Phillips is on the IR. But Super Mario has arrived and The Bucs pass D is reminds me of an autumn in London circa 1940 (take your time).

I don’t officially make line picks when it comes to the Giants but you’re safe with the OVER for the 2nd straight week.

PACKERS @ Gateway City +6.5 (±41) OVR

Speaking of activating an 08 stud, WHERE ARE YOU MR. RODGERS?! The fate of both of my fantasy teams hinges on the wisdom of passing up Drew Brees in the 2nd and a RB in the 3rd to pick you.

Now there’s no way the St. Louis wins this game. I’d stake my reputation as a prognosticator of week 3 Packer-Rams games. But please, for the sake of Packer fans, my Sportsbook account and both “Gotham’s Finest” teams, let’s make this a laugher.

Green Bay going away. (They’ll also take care of that OVER by themselves)

49ERS @ Twin City West -6.5 (±39)

I might literally be 11-1 ATS with Coach Singletary dating back to when he took over last year. He’s by far my favorit e NFL coach not named Tom Coughlin. They’re probably gonna need Shaun Hill to make some plays on the road vs. the Vikings but I still like them.

Niners cover.

FALCONS @ Foxborough -4.5 (±46.5)

Oh, New England! I think your time is up. A decade of skinflint antics has finally caught up with you. You have no impact players on defense now that Jerod Mayo is out and the 07 Giants have exposed your offense’s Achilles heel: pass protection. Much like Dudley from Diff’rent Strokes, Tom Brady does not enjoy getting molested.

Poor kid. Was never quite the same after Gordon Jump got through with him.

Whether or not the Falcons can accomplish this or not is irrelevant because Matty Ice is coming home (sorta) and he's packing heat.

Take da BOIDS!

The Old Texans @ PHILLY -7.5

This game opened at 9.5 but was quickly taken down, I’m assuming because of the Eagles QB situation. They may or may not get one up by kickoff but 7½ sounds about right to me. Kansas City poled me big time last week letting JaMarcus Russell drive down the field for a TD in the final minute. (That guy stinks, by the way.) DeSean Jackson is nicked up, but I gotta assume a week’s worth of snaps in practice will be enough for Kevin Kolb to lead Philly to victory.

Eagles.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

SAINTS @ Rich Stadium +6 (±51.5)

Buffalo weather forecast calls for rain…provided, of course by moisture-saturated clouds or Drew Brees and his traveling circus.

NOLA’s got TDs to spare.

Wildcats @ QUALCOMM -6 (±44)

This game gave me more fits than I care to admit. Actually I just admitted it and I didn’t really care.

But I think The Chargers lost another 6 offensive lineman and their defense is underwhelming. Six points for a Dolphin team that can control 45 minutes of a clock is a lot. I still gotta roll with the Light Brigade.

Chargers cover.

Steelers @ CIN CITI +4 (±37)

Ooooh. Bad loss for the Steelers but I saw that coming. The Bengals winning in Green Bay took me completely by surprise. I do like their defense though. They should be 2-0 right now. I can see them keeping it close. Can’t believe I’m gonna say this but…

…put your money on the Bengals.

Broncos @ OAKLAND +1 (±37)

These two teams deserve each other. They both stink yet kinda not. But most amazingly, they are both tied for first place with San Diego. I like the Raiders defense and running game enough to see them pulling it out in the Black Hole.

Take the Autumn wind.

BEARS @ Seattle +2 (±37)

Did you know that “Seneca Wallace” is Chinookan for “Bears cover”?

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

COLTS @ Arizona -2.5 (±48)

I’ve recently come to realise that Peyton Manning will never lose a game by more than 8 points. And this will only happen if the Colts are down by 16 w/5 min. to play, him driving down to score w/2pt conversion, and the special teams failing to recover the onside kick.

That has nothing to do with this game, by the way. But please feel free to drink whenever you hear the phrase “shoot-out in the desert”.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Panthers @ The White Death Star -8.5 (±47.5) 0VR

Last year Ed Reed and Ray Lewis ended the Cowboys home season by leading their rebel alliance down to Irving, Texas and blowing up the 1st Death Star. This year, Eli & Company kicked off the Cowboys home season by doing the same to the new one.

It sure is purty though!

I wanted to take the Cowboys to cover but 8½ is a lot of points for a defense that can’t stop anyone through the air or on the ground. I can see this going either way except down.

Take the OVER.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK: Easy 3-teamer. Colts, Bears & the Giants/TB OVR (7.12)

Alright Ladies. That's about it for this week.

Happy Hunting and as always...

...Good Luck and God Bless!

DING! DING! ROUND 2!!!

Sometimes when you eagerly anticipate something for too long you eventually wash over with this weird feeling of muted relief. The anxiety and eustress leave your system in a burst or in a slow dissipation but in either case you find yourself in a crashed state. Nothing can ever live up to the anticipation you feel the moment before you experience it.

Not with football though!

Oh no. Week 1 did little to disappoint the sports fans. We had everything. All-Day Peterson was a monster on the ground. Drew Brees was master of the air. The Bengals found yet another way to snatch defeat from the claws of victory. Monday night gave us not one but TWO last minute come from behind victories by would-be SB contenders, not to mention the return of Tom Brady.

Speaking of Monday night, am I the only person who thought the Bills and Patriots looked fantastic in those throwback unis? It’s weird because those old unis are the ones I grew up with but whenever a team made a switch I invariably thought it was for the better. But seeing the Bills with those classic white helmets with the Buffalo on the side was pretty awesome. The same for New England. All this time I thought Pat the Patriot sucked major balls but really it was just their players from the 80s.

Alright. Last week we went 10-6 (if you took that Dallas OVR as well), not to mention hitting that parlay of the week, so let’s keep this on and poppin…

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

PATRIOTS @ The Meadowlands +3.5 (±45.5)

Pats vs. Jets. Best AFC rivalry over the past decade. The head-to-head record is heavily in the Pats favor but the Jets always find a way to make at least ONE of their annual matchups close. It’s usually not the first game though. The Pats D looks more porous than Travis Henry's condoms, but this is Tom Brady and Bill Belicheck we’re talking about. If they can’t find a way to beat a rookie QB with only 13 starts since high school then they might as well call this dynasty a wrap.

Pats cover.

Panthers @ ATL -6.5 (±42)

What can I say about Jake Delhomme that hasn’t already been said about former No-Limit rapper, C-Murder? A 30 year old Louisianan completely willing to ruin his shitty career by firing ill-advised shots into crowds.

The Panthers love to rely on their linemen to create pressure. I don’t think that’s enough against a solid Matt Ryan. He’s got a solid running game and tons of reliable pass-catching options. Steve Smith is the most over rated awesome player I’ve ever seen.

Take the Falcons.

The Autumn Wind @ ARROWHEAD -3 (±38.5)

Another divisional game for the Raiders, this time against the Kansas City Chiefs. Raiders looked pretty solid Monday Night against the Light Brigade but ultimately came up short. They might actually have something in this Louis Murphy character.

Cassel looks like he’ll be back on Sunday but I doubt he’ll be a factor. I see the Raiders being a bit deflated after letting one slip to San Diego.

Let’s go with the Chiefs.

Texans @ MUSIC CITY -6.5 (±41)

Ah wonderful! Part I of the annual Houston Bowl Series.

Still trying to figure out why the Texans let the Jets come into their stadium and smack them around last Sunday. They’re already getting a little dinged up and now they gotta go face a Titans team at home and fresh off 10 days rest. They’ll also wanna re-establish their dominance after losing a close one to Pittsburgh.

I like the old Oilers.

Bungle Tigers @ LAMBEAU -9 (±42)

The Bengals are just a bunch of clowns. It’d be foolish of me to do anything but take the Packers to cover.

AD & THE MINNY ALL-STARS @ Motown +9.5 (±46.5)

Well, I took the Lions to cover 2 tds last week against the Saints and they couldn’t do it. I’ll definitely ask them to do it again but not this week. That defense has more holes than a Brett Ratner script.

At least Megatron will get some grissle.

Vikings cover the 9 ½.

Rams @ JACK KENT COOKE -10 (±36.5)

We used to have some great stadium names. The Redskins don’t play in RFK anymore but Jack Kent Cooke deserved to keep his name on the stadium he built. The man died without seeing it opened yet within 2 years Dan Snyder is whoring it out to FedEx. Yuck!

As for the Rams? Well I’m sorry to say that Coach Spags starts his head coaching career 0-2 against the spread.

DREW BREES & da NOLA Pass-Catchers @ Philly Pick (±46)

Drew fuckin’ Brees. This dude went absolutely bananas last week. Can Vegas set this line to ANY number that will stop you from taking the OVER?

Take the Saints.

Take the OVR.

CARDINALS @ Jacksonville -3 (±42.5)

Boy was I right about these two teams last week. I’m not impressed with Arizona’s prospects this year. No way Warner stays healthy and they’ll struggle to go 8-8. The Jags meanwhile are tough and have improved their WR corps. They’re still one dimensional though. Stop MJD. Win the game.

This is an early east coast game and I’m not sure how equipped the Cards are to neutralize MoJo but I’ll take the NFC champs and the points.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

‘hawks @ CANDLESTICK -1.5 (±39.5)

See what I mean? Candlestick. What a great name for a park!

One of these 2 teams will win the division. The winner might find themselves with a 2 game lead by the evening. I think these two teams are pretty even. I’d like Seattle a lot if they were at home.

Playing in San Francisco essentially makes this a pickem. Coach Singletary hasn’t let me down yet so…

Niners cover.

Bucs @ Rich Stadium -5 (±42.5)

Tampa Bay really did what I thought they would against the Cowboys last week. And the Bills? Forget it. They just can’t seem to get out their own way (Week 15 vs. Jets last year?).

I’m going to do everything in my power not to watch a single minute of this game.

I will however make this my first chicken shit bet.

THE UNDER.

Browns @ MILE HIGH -3 (±39)

See! Another one. Mile High Stadium. Just a terrific name for an arena.

Jamal Lewis did not look completely terrible last week. Braylon Edwards on the other hand is gonna be a headache for his owners this year. It’s not all his fault. Winslow’s gone and Brady stinks.

Unless the NFL allows them to activate a 24 year old Jim Brown in honor of the AFL’s 50 year anniversary I just don’t see Denver losing.

Broncos cover.

THE B-MORE RAVENS @ Qualcomm -3 (±40.5)

This should be a fun game to watch. Massive fantasy implications for yours truly as I own LDT, Sproles, Rice, Mason and the Ravens D. But really, it’s just fun to watch the Ravens smack people around. And Pretty Boy Flacco is no slouch either. Baltimore should have no problem moving the ball.

San Diego on the other hand is dealing with injuries. They lost approximately 17 starting linemen and LDT is wearing a boot.

He’s a funny guy, that LT. I hesitate to call him soft but have you ever seen that commercial where the ref blows the whistle cause a player is down on the field. The coach and the team doctors rush out and ask him, what’s wrong? He lays there on his side, stretched out with his legs crossed picking at the grass and responds with a sheepish: “When they boo me, my feelings hurt!”

Anyway, where were we? Oh. The Ravens. Yeah, I’ll take those points

Champs @ SOLDIER FIELD +3 (±37.5)

I feel it’s only proper that I give the Steelers their proper respect…at least until they get dethroned.

It’s never good when I pick THIS many road teams to cover but the Bears were over-rated BEFORE they lost Urlacher. Actually that’s not true. It’s just Urlacher that was over-rated.

Polamalu on the other hand was the real deal and he’s gone. I’m gonna take the Bears and the points.

SUNDAY NIGHT SACROSANCT

The New York Football Giants @ Cowboys Stadium -3 (±44.5)

They always put this game on Sunday night. I grow so anxious over the course of the afternoon and throughout the game. Boy,do I hate losing to the Cowboys and heaven help me but Romo and Witten ALWAYS have big games against the G-men. That and the fact that this is the first regular season game in Jerry’s New Fully Operational Death Star. I have to admit that I’m looking forward to seeing it myself.

Giants should be able to establish the run. Eli should also have a good game. I don’t usually pick Giants games anyway but you can be safe in taking the OVR.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

COLTS @ Joe Robbie +3 (±42)

Manning and Wayne travel down to South Beach to face the Wildcats.

Listen, these Dolphins aren’t a mystery. Ronnie and Ricky split carries. They run the occasional reverse, direct snap, half-back pass and occasional flea-flicker. Chad Pennington is accurate if not strong-armed. Nothing about them spells victory.

Take this road cover and hopefully the Colts will get you to bed by halftime.

Parlay of the Week:

Tough lines this week so we gotta go with a 5 team parlay but 3 of them are just straight up. Titans, Minny, Skins all to win & Pats, Colts to cover. Pays out 7 on the dollar.

Let’s get it!

Good Luck and God Bless.

FEELS LIKE HOME AGAIN

Finally the NFL season has returned. I know you are all as excited as I am but let’s take a second to reflect on just how lucky we Americans are. Every year it’s the same thing. September comes. Summer vacation is over. Your baseball team is out of contention. The skies seem a little greyer. The mornings are a little nippier. Sunset always comes 20 minutes too soon. Life in general is about to suck for a solid 6 months.

But lo! Here comes the National Football League to pick up our spirits!

Lo! The nation’s #1 past time arrives complete with ritual Sunday drinking, fantasy football team managing and of course, sports betting of all kinds. I love it!

While it’s true that the between February Superbowls, NFL Combines, The Draft, Mini-camps and Training Camps, football has become a 12 month phenomenon, this particular offseason was especially short. We had more than our fair share of non-sports related stories involving our favorite NFL players.

Plaxico Burress’ legal saga. Donte Stallworth killed a man while driving drunk and high. Michael Vick was released from “the bing” and signed with the Eagles. Brett Favre continued his nonsense up until about ten minutes ago and even Big Ben Roethlisberger found time to get accused of raping some chick in a hotel. (Wait…was THIS one in Colorado too?!)

And finally we had Shawne Merriman, a man accused of battery and wrongful imprisonment of his lady friend, Tia Tequila. But fear not followers of the Light Brigade, Mr. Merriman acquitted himself with a short note to the DA that simply read: “Dude, she calls herself Tia Tequila!”

As Ace Carolla would say…

“LET’S GET IT ON!!!”

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

Dolphins @ ATLANTA -4 (43.5)

This is a great game to unofficially start the season with because both these teams overachieved last year and this game might let us know which, if any, is the real deal. The Falcons are slight favorites if we assume all road teams get a 3 point bump. Matt Ryan should be better. They added another weapon in Tony Gonzo. Mike Turner is still young enough to absorb another 400 touches.

Also, it’s been well documented that Chad Pennington can NOT put together two good years in a row.

I’m taking the Dirty Birds.

Chiefs @ CHARM CITY -13 (36)

My favorite part of Chan Gailey being stripped of his OC duties were these comments from K.C. running back, Grandmama.

“Too many roosters in the hen house . . . it was only a matter of time . . . Somebody is going to have to bow out of the race. It’s just natural.”

I’ve always appreciated Grandmama’s bluntness, like a couple years ago when asked about Kansas City’s commitment to the run game.

"Football is easy. It's not a chess game. It's checkers. When they're looking for the run, you pass. When they're looking for the pass, you run. When they put nine in the box, you pass. When they overload one side, you run to the other side."

Great stuff LJ. I’m taking the Ravens.

IGGIES @ Carolina +2.5 (43.5)

UH OH… Is Westbrook healthy? (no).

Have the Eagles finally found themselves a solid short yardage back? (no.)

Did they just sign a capable backup that can push McNabb to play at a high level week in and week out? (kinda sorta, but not really.)

Ah well. The Panthers still blow. I’ll take the Iggies.

Broncos @ CINCY -5 (42.5)

Wow. Talk about off season blow-ups. Could wunderkind Josh McDaniels have messed things up more right off the bat? While it’s true Jay Cutler is a little baby, you gotta figure coach panicked a little bit and unloaded the 26 year old pro-bowler a little prematurely. At the very least he sent the wrong message to the rest of the team and league (Brandon now knows 60% of his playbook).

I like Ocho’s Bengals.

VIKINGS @ Cleveland +3.5 (40)

Ugh. Brett Favre disgusts me but the man can still sling a rock. No way is he worse than anything the Vikings had before. Ultimately this team is built on the arses of the Willams twins and All-Day’s running legs. Vikings ALL DAY!

Jets @ HOUSTON -4.5 (44.5)

Everybody loves the Teans. Everybody LOVES Mario Williams and Steve Slaton and Andre “The Beast” Johnson and Matt “I like him in the 6^th round” Schaub. But what happens when half these guys get turf toe and the qb injures his elbow? What then?!!!

Eh. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when come to it. Texans.

Jaguars @ INDY -7 (45)

OOOH! Jags ALWAYS play the Colts tough. Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison are gone. MJD has got the keys to the truck now. Torry Holt is running his crisp routes. New Jag unis. Garrard is finally back on Juicy’s team (?). Too good to be true, right?

Wrong. Jax cover.

LIONS @ Nola -13 (49)

You know those old movie montages where they play “Flight of the Bumblebee” while you see the hustle and bustle of a business starting to boom. Customers coming in and out. Merchandise leaving the shelves and then they go to that shot of the cashier ringing up the registers really fast with the accompanying sound .

This is what I imagine this game is going to be like.

I like the Lions to cover, btw.

COWBOYS @ Tampa +5.5 (39)

This might be the easiest game to pick. New QB. New Coach. New Defense. Only 2 of these 3 were true of last year’s Falcons, Ravens and Dolphins. Plus the Cowboys always come out the gate hotter than July on the Amistad with 2 sweaters on.

Boys (and the Over).

LATE SUNDAY GAMES

49ERS @ Arizona -6 (46)

The battle for NFC West supremacy begins here! Defending NFC champs go up against the Niners headed up by everyone’s favorite “reverse hand-cuff” to Glen Coffee…Mr. Frank Gore.

I was really high on Coach Singletary last year and couldn’t wait to see what he could do with a whole training camp under his belt.

Well here we are. Niners cover.

Skins @ The New York Football Giants -6.5 (37)

This will be the first of many VERY physical games in a division that continues to host strong playoff contenders. Many have the Giants favored in the division and in the conference. That Defensive line is deep. I mean 7 men in and you’re still talking pro-bowlers-deep. But will Canty be healthy? What about Ross and Phillips? And let’s not forget the Redskins and all the upgrades THEY’VE made.

Orakpo will be a beast. And Kareem McKenzie is MAAAAAD iffy on that right side.

I dunno. 6.5 might be a little high.

RAMS @ Seattle -8 (40.5)

The battle for NFC West supremacy continues here! No team was more ravaged by injuries last year than the hawks. If they only returned with everyone healthy they’d add a couple wins to their record. But they’ve also signed Hoosh and E-Boogie himself, Edge James.

Is it enough to win a title? Certainly not.

Enough to beat the Rams at home? Absolutely.

Enough to cover a TD and 2-pt conversion? Slow down.

Rams keep it respectable.

Bears @ GREEN BAY -3.5 (46.5)

(See Lions @ NOLA comments)

Packers.

MONDAY NIGHT GAMES

Bills @ NEW ENGLAND -10.5 (46.5)

Heavens to megatroid! Is this ANOTHER team that fired their OC within the last 2 weeks?

What’s that you say? This guy is off the team completely?

Do they still plan on running the K-Gun without the K?

Really!

What about a HOF Running back. Do they have one of those?

No, huh?

Well, do they at least have an offensive line?

WHAT!?

That’s WHY they’re running this offense…to hide this lack of protection?

How bout this? How bout I just take the Pats to cover those 10.5 points.

CHARGERS @ Oakland +9 (43)

DMC has FINALLY won the starting gig huh? Well that’s good.

Hey, can someone remind me which receiver did Oakland take in the draft, the one who still hasn’t reported to camp or the one who just plays that way?

Light brigade.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK: Let’s start off simply. Falcons, Vikings & Cowboys all to cover; pays out 7 to 1.

Alright. That's it for the first week.

Good Luck and God Bless!