FEELS LIKE HOME AGAIN

Finally the NFL season has returned. I know you are all as excited as I am but let’s take a second to reflect on just how lucky we Americans are. Every year it’s the same thing. September comes. Summer vacation is over. Your baseball team is out of contention. The skies seem a little greyer. The mornings are a little nippier. Sunset always comes 20 minutes too soon. Life in general is about to suck for a solid 6 months.

But lo! Here comes the National Football League to pick up our spirits!

Lo! The nation’s #1 past time arrives complete with ritual Sunday drinking, fantasy football team managing and of course, sports betting of all kinds. I love it!

While it’s true that the between February Superbowls, NFL Combines, The Draft, Mini-camps and Training Camps, football has become a 12 month phenomenon, this particular offseason was especially short. We had more than our fair share of non-sports related stories involving our favorite NFL players.

Plaxico Burress’ legal saga. Donte Stallworth killed a man while driving drunk and high. Michael Vick was released from “the bing” and signed with the Eagles. Brett Favre continued his nonsense up until about ten minutes ago and even Big Ben Roethlisberger found time to get accused of raping some chick in a hotel. (Wait…was THIS one in Colorado too?!)

And finally we had Shawne Merriman, a man accused of battery and wrongful imprisonment of his lady friend, Tia Tequila. But fear not followers of the Light Brigade, Mr. Merriman acquitted himself with a short note to the DA that simply read: “Dude, she calls herself Tia Tequila!”

As Ace Carolla would say…

“LET’S GET IT ON!!!”

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

Dolphins @ ATLANTA -4 (43.5)

This is a great game to unofficially start the season with because both these teams overachieved last year and this game might let us know which, if any, is the real deal. The Falcons are slight favorites if we assume all road teams get a 3 point bump. Matt Ryan should be better. They added another weapon in Tony Gonzo. Mike Turner is still young enough to absorb another 400 touches.

Also, it’s been well documented that Chad Pennington can NOT put together two good years in a row.

I’m taking the Dirty Birds.

Chiefs @ CHARM CITY -13 (36)

My favorite part of Chan Gailey being stripped of his OC duties were these comments from K.C. running back, Grandmama.

“Too many roosters in the hen house . . . it was only a matter of time . . . Somebody is going to have to bow out of the race. It’s just natural.”

I’ve always appreciated Grandmama’s bluntness, like a couple years ago when asked about Kansas City’s commitment to the run game.

"Football is easy. It's not a chess game. It's checkers. When they're looking for the run, you pass. When they're looking for the pass, you run. When they put nine in the box, you pass. When they overload one side, you run to the other side."

Great stuff LJ. I’m taking the Ravens.

IGGIES @ Carolina +2.5 (43.5)

UH OH… Is Westbrook healthy? (no).

Have the Eagles finally found themselves a solid short yardage back? (no.)

Did they just sign a capable backup that can push McNabb to play at a high level week in and week out? (kinda sorta, but not really.)

Ah well. The Panthers still blow. I’ll take the Iggies.

Broncos @ CINCY -5 (42.5)

Wow. Talk about off season blow-ups. Could wunderkind Josh McDaniels have messed things up more right off the bat? While it’s true Jay Cutler is a little baby, you gotta figure coach panicked a little bit and unloaded the 26 year old pro-bowler a little prematurely. At the very least he sent the wrong message to the rest of the team and league (Brandon now knows 60% of his playbook).

I like Ocho’s Bengals.

VIKINGS @ Cleveland +3.5 (40)

Ugh. Brett Favre disgusts me but the man can still sling a rock. No way is he worse than anything the Vikings had before. Ultimately this team is built on the arses of the Willams twins and All-Day’s running legs. Vikings ALL DAY!

Jets @ HOUSTON -4.5 (44.5)

Everybody loves the Teans. Everybody LOVES Mario Williams and Steve Slaton and Andre “The Beast” Johnson and Matt “I like him in the 6^th round” Schaub. But what happens when half these guys get turf toe and the qb injures his elbow? What then?!!!

Eh. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when come to it. Texans.

Jaguars @ INDY -7 (45)

OOOH! Jags ALWAYS play the Colts tough. Tony Dungy and Marvin Harrison are gone. MJD has got the keys to the truck now. Torry Holt is running his crisp routes. New Jag unis. Garrard is finally back on Juicy’s team (?). Too good to be true, right?

Wrong. Jax cover.

LIONS @ Nola -13 (49)

You know those old movie montages where they play “Flight of the Bumblebee” while you see the hustle and bustle of a business starting to boom. Customers coming in and out. Merchandise leaving the shelves and then they go to that shot of the cashier ringing up the registers really fast with the accompanying sound .

This is what I imagine this game is going to be like.

I like the Lions to cover, btw.

COWBOYS @ Tampa +5.5 (39)

This might be the easiest game to pick. New QB. New Coach. New Defense. Only 2 of these 3 were true of last year’s Falcons, Ravens and Dolphins. Plus the Cowboys always come out the gate hotter than July on the Amistad with 2 sweaters on.

Boys (and the Over).

LATE SUNDAY GAMES

49ERS @ Arizona -6 (46)

The battle for NFC West supremacy begins here! Defending NFC champs go up against the Niners headed up by everyone’s favorite “reverse hand-cuff” to Glen Coffee…Mr. Frank Gore.

I was really high on Coach Singletary last year and couldn’t wait to see what he could do with a whole training camp under his belt.

Well here we are. Niners cover.

Skins @ The New York Football Giants -6.5 (37)

This will be the first of many VERY physical games in a division that continues to host strong playoff contenders. Many have the Giants favored in the division and in the conference. That Defensive line is deep. I mean 7 men in and you’re still talking pro-bowlers-deep. But will Canty be healthy? What about Ross and Phillips? And let’s not forget the Redskins and all the upgrades THEY’VE made.

Orakpo will be a beast. And Kareem McKenzie is MAAAAAD iffy on that right side.

I dunno. 6.5 might be a little high.

RAMS @ Seattle -8 (40.5)

The battle for NFC West supremacy continues here! No team was more ravaged by injuries last year than the hawks. If they only returned with everyone healthy they’d add a couple wins to their record. But they’ve also signed Hoosh and E-Boogie himself, Edge James.

Is it enough to win a title? Certainly not.

Enough to beat the Rams at home? Absolutely.

Enough to cover a TD and 2-pt conversion? Slow down.

Rams keep it respectable.

Bears @ GREEN BAY -3.5 (46.5)

(See Lions @ NOLA comments)

Packers.

MONDAY NIGHT GAMES

Bills @ NEW ENGLAND -10.5 (46.5)

Heavens to megatroid! Is this ANOTHER team that fired their OC within the last 2 weeks?

What’s that you say? This guy is off the team completely?

Do they still plan on running the K-Gun without the K?

Really!

What about a HOF Running back. Do they have one of those?

No, huh?

Well, do they at least have an offensive line?

WHAT!?

That’s WHY they’re running this offense…to hide this lack of protection?

How bout this? How bout I just take the Pats to cover those 10.5 points.

CHARGERS @ Oakland +9 (43)

DMC has FINALLY won the starting gig huh? Well that’s good.

Hey, can someone remind me which receiver did Oakland take in the draft, the one who still hasn’t reported to camp or the one who just plays that way?

Light brigade.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK: Let’s start off simply. Falcons, Vikings & Cowboys all to cover; pays out 7 to 1.

Alright. That's it for the first week.

Good Luck and God Bless!