So Late. So sorry.

Like most people, I believe in many things. I believe in gods and monsters. I believe in supernatural phenomena. I believe in fate & destiny and reason & science. I believe in freedom. I believe in order and chaos. I believe in structure and discipline. I believe in conservatism and progressive liberalism. I believe in abiding fundament. I believe in change. I believe we are masters of creation. I believe we are slaves to a fabricated and meaningless existence.

But resolving all that seeming contradiction comes from my belief in 3 things:

Context, Consistency and Control.

What the hell am I talking about?

CONTEXT: Everything must be put in its proper frame of reference in order to be properly examined and evaluated. It’s sort of my existential induction of Einstein’s Special Relativity. The same way one can not accurately measure the mass, speed, or any other physical property of an object without putting it in its proper frame of reference, one cannot accurately measure any human thought, word or deed without doing the same.

A man stands on a flatbed section of a train moving 80 mph and fires a fastball off the back and all his fellow passengers say, “Wow!” as they measure 92 on the gun.

But the scout who happens to be standing at the junction as this circus passes by says, “What are these idiots talking about? That thing barely broke 10 on MY gun!”

Today, we all know that the problem here is CONTEXT.

Let’s imagine that the train, the flatbed, the passengers and the pitcher (everything on the track but the ball) are all invisible. The passengers on the train had a proper frame of reference that was not the same as the rube standing idly by at the junction.

The passengers saw a ball at rest in the pitchers hand that then raced away from them at 92 miles per hour, the rube saw a ball coming TOWARDS him at 80 mph, slow down, stop for an instant, then start moving the other way at about 12 miles per hour.

Terrific. Let’s talk about CONSISTENCY.

In addition to the Newtonian consistency in observable phenomena that Einstein proved exists in cases like the one above, I also believe in consistency in terms of BALANCE. Call it what you want, karma, yin-yang, action-reaction, cause and effect. That’s all fine, but my belief also entails the ACCEPTANCE of that effect, that reaction, that balancing variable of an equation.

We’ve all been in or heard an argument involving a “moral relativist.” At some point someone always pulls out the “What if someone raped and killed you wife and children?”

Part of the problem in this argument is semantic. The relativist might say murder is not inherently “wrong” or “bad” or “evil”. This isn’t the same as saying that it is something that a particular person or group of people would rather not happen.

Millions of Americans wanted Michael Phelps to propel himself through an aqueous medium at a marginally faster rate than 7 other people near him. Any of the other guys could have touched the wall first. Americans would rather it NOT happened. But that didn’t make either occurrence wrong or right.

Of course malicious acts such as murder inspire more visceral emotions and reactions. But it’s still just an action that you either would like to see or experience or not.

I don’t want my friend murdered. Most people in a civilized society don’t want him/her murdered. But the “murderer” does (and maybe whatever worms are waiting to feast on his body wouldn’t mind either).

It just so happens that the rest of an organized society have agreed (and rightly so) that it’s better if we don’t have dudes knocking each other upside the head with rocks (but even if that WERE the case, would bodies be dropping at a rate greater than, say, cancer deaths, auto-accidents, heart-attacks etc?).

So saying it’s not “wrong” is not the same as saying “it’d be better and nicer and probably more spiritually enlightening if this thing DIDN’T happen”.

Putting semantics aside it’s not incorrect to say the death of Herbert X wasn’t really bad for the state he lived in. It wasn’t bad for the country in any noticeable way. The earth doesn’t care. The universe doesn’t care. And honestly, god probably doesn’t care either.

But everyone who KNOWS Herbert X cares. People who know of him, or relate to him or who are sympathetic to that sort of thing all care. The church cares. The state cares. The Law cares.

So now, there is a CONSEQUENCE.

The victim’s brother takes a baseball bat to the murderer’s head. Or maybe his neighbors turn him over to the authorities. The state presses charges. All these are actions that individual entities take because something happened that related to them. It affected THEIR frames of reference.

If in the murderer’s frame of reference Herbert’s death pleases him, so be it. And if this guy knew the consequences and was willing to accept them…or even if he didn’t but was willing to come to terms with whatever consequence he was ignorant of, then there’s no way I can say that what he did was wrong. It’s HIS frame of reference. That is the context for the “right vs. wrong” evaluation.

Right vs. Wrong isn’t a matter of morality. It’s a matter of BALANCE, the balance between your thoughts and emotions BEFORE a decision and those AFTER. Regret and remorse after-the-fact betray previous decision making. That incongruence makes something “wrong”.

Finally we come to CONTROL, which encompasses everything mentioned above. When you have a proper understanding of these other concepts then you can start exercising some control of what would otherwise seem chaotic.

And it is!

As far as any individual is concerned there IS chaos. There are things operating in, around and on you, of which you have little to no understanding. That can seem chaotic. But to the guy pulling all the strings it all makes sense. It might be a tragic sense, or a comedic sense, or a malicious sense. But there is an internal logic to it.

You CAN exercise control to the degree that you can understand what is happening about you, however.

You can be in a federal prison and be in control. If you consciously and purposefully chose the actions that put you there, then you are your own jailer. And you may not have foreseen the conditions of your confinement or the length. But the degree to which you were willing to accept it, acknowledging that you cannot me cognizant of ALL things, is the degree to which exercised control.

This is how people in the direst of circumstances can remain calm or happy and those in seemingly utopian conditions can be miserable.

Pats lost.

Colts won.

Those are just the results. Whether Belichek made the “right or wrong” call on 4^th and 2 from the 28 has NOTHING to do with the result of the game. It has EVERYTHING to do with what we just talked about (didn’t think I’d get here, huh?)

Up 6 points on the fat side of the 2 minute warning Belichek was faced with the decision to either punt or go for it. He chose to go for it.

Doesn’t matter if you get it or not. A new universe opens up once you put something into action (suppose they made the 1^st down but Brady suffered a season ending injury on the play. Go ahead and follow through on your kneel-to-win-the-game-plan, but your season’s plans are up in smoke). But what DOES matter is that your decisions and actions after the fact are consistent with your thinking before. They don’t have to be the SAME decisions, just consistent with your thinking.

You make the decision to go for it for one or both of the following reasons:

1. You have no confidence in your defense, were they to punt the ball.

2. You have extraordinary amount of confidence in your offense to get that 1^st down in the toughest of circumstances.

We aren’t privy to Belichek’s thoughts, but we are privy to the decisions he made after turning it over on downs. We can therefore evaluate those decisions for consistency.

The ONLY action that would have justified the gamble was to let the Colts score on the next snap.

If the reason for the gamble was a lack of confidence in his defense to defend 75 yards for 2 minutes, then he should have had even LESS confidence in them defending only 30 yards for 2 minutes. To be willing to make that defensive stand given those unfortunate circumstance means you should have been willing to do the same in better circumstances. And not only did this put him out of balance but he also relinquished control.

If he believed his offense gave him the best chance to win, why not put the ball back in their hands with as much time as possible. Only a field goal was necessary. A return to the 30 would put them more or less in the same circumstances as Peyton, needing to make a couple of first downs to get a shot at kicking the game winner. I’d rather 4 shots at ten yards than 1 shot at 2.

In the end he only left his offense with 9 seconds to win the game. Not only did he give up the control he had but he put his players in a position to get injured in an impossible situation (Josh Cribs and remember how Jay Alford speared Brady him on the 2^nd to last snap in the SB).

Context.

Consistency.

Control.

I’m just gonna run through these picks quickly

***NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 11***

THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Dolphins@ Carolina -3.5

Already done but there’s no way I woulda touched anything but the under.

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

Browns @ THE MOTOR CITY -3.5

Both teams are terrible but the Browns defense isn’t SUPREMELY terrible nor is the Detroit offense.

Bills @ JACKSONVILLE -9

The Bills ARE supremely terrible and will not stop MoJo and MSW.

Steelers @ ARROWHEAD +10.5

Troy’s out and it’s a road game.

COLTS @ Charm City +1.5

gotta take Peyton to win by 2.

FALCONS @ THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS -7 ±45.5

Gonna be a big day for Gonzo but I like the UNDER.

49ers @ LAMBEAU FIELD-6.5

AaRodge is a stunna.

SEAHAWKS @ MINNESOTA -10.5 ±46.5

35-13? At least!

Take the over.

Braves @ COWBOYS STADIUM -11

not after losing in Green Bay.

Saints @ EAST ST. PETERSBURG +10.5

Saints need Sedrick Ellis back.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

CARDINALS @ The Georgia Dome +9

Cards match up too nicely against the Rams.

Jets @ FOXBOROUGH -10.5

I believe Mr. Sapp called it a “40-burger.”

BENGALS @ The Black Hole +9

I shouldn’t take the Bengals on the west coast but I will.

CHARGERS @ Mile High +4

Somethings gone wrong in Denver.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

IGGIES @ Soldier Field +3

Not even close.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

TITANS @ Houston -4.5

Tough one. Shitty “no-man’s land” line so I just gotta go with who I think will win.

Can’t say “Happy Hunting!” since I was so late with this. I’m posting this mainly for the Belichek analysis and to record what my picks were before Sunday.

And obviously there’s nothing left to parlay, but Titans and the over isn’t a bad play.

Later!

The Elusive

Damn Green Bay upset is all that stood between me and TOTAL financial supremacy.

”Playtime’s ova, boy!”

The Last Dragon.
(sigh)
What a great friggin’ movie. Do you know anyone who’s seen it and not liked it? I don’t. I’ve seen that film at least one hundred times and it never disappoints. There isn’t a single frame from a single scene that isn’t funny, interesting, awesome or ridiculous on some level.

There’s been talk about a sequel or remake for some time now and while I’m sure Taimak is still in great physical shape (hey, remember when he played the date-rapist in the season one eps. of ‘A Different World?), it just wouldn’t be the same. Little Richie’s all grown up. Vanity gained weight and found God (not sure of the order) and worst of all, Sho’Nuff is dead.

While on some level it would be cool to see Samuel Leroy Jackson ham it up as the Shogun of Harlem, the truth is Julius Carry OWNED that role. Who else you know could pull off the football shoulder-pads/red gi-pants/chuck taylor combo?
And was he not rockin’ the “real shades” shades a full 2 decades before Kanye hit the scene?

***NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 10***

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

JAGUARS @ The Meadowlands -6.5
Home teams coming off byes have been doing pretty well ATS but that’s almost a TD we’re talking about here. There’s a chance I’m mixing my fantasy perspective with my NFL perspective but there’s no denying that The Jets will have a tough time stopping MJD without Kris Jenkins.
Jaaaaaaaags.

Broncos @ JACK KENT COOKE +3.5
Seeing a player as tough as Clint P. lie face down and motionless in the turf last Sunday was a bit disturbing. Washington should seriously think about shutting it down for the season. As it is they’re just doing it a player at a time, one week at a time. That said, Broncos are on a short week, are traveling east for a one o’clock game and are giving more than a FG to a defense that’s still pretty solid.

”Oh man… I bet Cooley is pickin’ Ladell up off the waiver wire RIGHT NOW!”

Bengals @ THE CITY OF CHAMPIONS -7
Here’s where the rubber hits the road.
Bengals win this and they’ll probably go 6-0 in the division. But the Steelers defense is as solid as usual and the offensive line held up pretty well run-blocking AND in pass protection versus the Broncos.
Look for Pittsburgh to start restoring order in the AFC North.

Bills @ MUSIC CITY -8.5
Vegas refused to give up on the Titans this year which is unfortunate because had they done so, we could clean up on a couple of sub-touchdown lines. Eight and a half is scary but Chris Johnson is scarier.
Titans all day.

The Lions @ THE METRODOME -16.5
I always seem to make an “all-day” reference leading into a Vikings Game. Lemme tell you exactly how this game is going to go. Detroit is going to keep it relatively close for about 12 minutes (17-10ish in the 2nd quarter. They’ll find themselves down two scores in and around halftime and the final score will be something like 38-17.
Now I haven’t done the math. Is that more than 16.5 points?
If it is, then take the Vikings.

The Saints @ THE GEORGIA DOME -13.5
Lemme tell you how this game is going to go. The Rams are going to come in with one mission: Deliver a steady, yet ample dosage of Steve Jax.
The Saints, too will have only one mission: to stay the constant flow of Steve Jax.
Two problems:

1. Steve Jax is unstoppable.
2. The only thing that Steve Jax chews up more than yards, is time.

There just won’t be enough time for the Saints to rack up a 2 TD lead…or they will...wha-evah.

Nah. The OTHER Steve Jax. But yeah, this guy’s a handful too.

DIRTY BIRDS @ Carolina +1.5
NFC SOUTH ALERT!
NFC SOUTH ALERT!
These games are always close (just not “Panthers-covering-2” close).
Falcons.

BUCS @ South Beach -10
A wise man once told me that the battle of the Florida-penis always goes WAAAAAY under. (I might wanna reword that.)
Since I’m saving my chicken-shit bets for the late games I’ll just take those double digit points.
I believe in you, Josh Freeman!

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

Chiefs @ The Black Hole -2 (±36.5)
Ah, the 4 o’clock games and not a moment too soon. Two friggin’ points?! What am I posta do with that? I’m not saying it’s wrong. But hell’s bells! There’s no way to predict what’ll happen with these two teams.
Except of course for the…
OVAAAHHH!!!!

’hawks @ Arizona -8.5 (±46.5)
You’d hafta be insane to take the Cardinals to cover this many points at home versus the hawks. I mean, the Cards can score points. But not every DC is stoopid enough to single cover Larry Fitzgerald for an entire half.
How about another…
OVAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Iggies @ SAN DIEGO -1

”But I’m throwing behind my receivers by like...5yards! Just like you said!”
“Yeah, but they're still catchable. Flick your wrist like this…that way the ball goes right into the dirt.

COWBOYS @ Green Bay +3
Of all the indignities!!! The Packers are GETTING 3 points in the frozen tundra! This is what happens when you lose in epic-fail-fashion to the East St. Petersberg Creamsicles. (I believe in you Josh Freeman!)
AaRod will always have a place on my fantasy team (no negative points for bad sacks), but as long as that offensive line is giving it up like a fat girl on prom night, and as long as that D-fensive line is penetrating like a USA Today article, IIII’M gonna keep spitting out these similes…
…while taking the Cowboys to cover.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

PATRIOTS @ Indianapolis -3
If Troy Aikman were making this pick:

"I’m not so sure The Indianapolis Colts have ever been able to outplay New England to the point where they could establish a lead that Tom Brady and these New England Patriots wouldn’t be able to come back from.
If I were a betting man, and I’m not…but if I were, I think I'd like to take the New England Patriots and that field goal all the way to the bank.”

Thanks, Troy.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

RAVENS @ The Cleve +10.5
NFL 2009 Flex Scheduling: A week too late and a night too soon.
Ravens

PARLAY OF THE WEEK:

BANG!!!

C’mon folks! You gotta give it up for my POTWs. Last week I knocked yet another one out the park. That one paid 7 on the dollar. I GOTTA be well over 50% on these big bets so I can afford to go a little crazy and try to shoot the moon.
6-TEAM TEASE: Steelers to win, Titans -1.5, Pats +10, Ravens -3.5, KC/Oak OVR 30.5, Sea/Zona OVR 40.5

Happy Hunting!

"MOOO-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHH!!!"

MODERN MARVEL

Took last week off…

...needed to relax.

And it’s a good thing I did because last week was crazy.

Not sure where I left off as far as a YTD record but this week I’m gonna try something different.

I’m not picking any over/unders. Everything is straight up ATS.

LET’S GO!

****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 9****

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

CHIEFS @ Jacksonville -6.5

These 2 teams couldn’t be more different. The Chiefs are an old team without a running game but with a great home-field advantage. The Jags are barely 15 years old, have MJD running the ball but can barely draw 20K to the stadium.

None of this has anything to do with my picking the Chiefs to cover.

RAVENS @ Cinn Citi +3

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for the Ravens. They always resembled the team I was used to my Giants being. These days both squads rely more on their offense to win games instead of their underachieving defense.

None of this has anything to do with my picking the Ravens to cover.

Texans @ INDIANAPOLIS -9

I’m not sure what the over in this game is (even though I’m taking it). It really can’t be high enough and history tells us that this game will be very close until the final 5 minutes.

So obviously, I’m going with THIS guy.

Braves @ THE GEORGIA DOME -8.5

I hope by now you realize that I refuse to call Washington by their “preferred” team name.

The line in this game opened at 10, which is about how much it takes to outscore the Braves offense.

Was going to take the Braves to cover but I could do without that point and a half screwing me.

Falcons.

PACKERS @ East St. Petersburg +9.5

Some say that Aaron Rodgers takes too many bad sacks but all I see is a dude that could be the best QB in the league given adequate protection. The Packers get two starters back on the O-line so…uh…

Green Bay all day.

CARDINALS @ Soldier Field +3

Fun Fact: Did you know that the Cardinals are the NFL’s oldest franchise and originally played in Chicago a full 23 years before the Bears came around?

OGs cover.

Cardinals vs. Bears: Thanksgiving Day, 1925

WILDCATS @ Foxborough -10.5

We’ve all heard a hundred times about how “The Wildcat” was unveiled in this game last year. And we all know that Bill Belicheck doesn’t usually fall for the same trick 4 times. And we all know the last thing you want to do is give this guy 2 weeks to prepare for anything.

Nuts to all that. I’m taking the fins.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

PANTHERS @ The Superdome -13

I don’t think there’s a better game to watch week to week than a Saints game.

NOLA’s own, Jake Delhomme (aka: The Human Turnover Machine) faces off against the fast-breaking Saints D, featuring this guy…

Darren Sharper, aka: INTERCEPTOR SUPREME

Against all reason, I’m rolling with the crazy Cajun.

LIONS @ Seattle -10

I didn’t put up a column last week so I couldn’t comment the the Toilet-Bowl matchup between The Lions and Rams. I highly recommend you watch it. It’s surreal.

I would think this game would be similar except for the fact that Qwest Field is loud even at 6 AM Christmas morning.

Kevin Smith is probable (my designation, not Detroit’s) and Megatron is a GTD.

sigh.

Biggest gamble of the week: Lions cover.

Titans @ CANDLESTICK PARK -4

The Titans are 1-90 on the season but this line represents the fear Chris Johnson puts into the hearts of bettors.

Singletary vs. VY? Crabtree and Davis vs. that secondary? Gore vs. the Albert Haynesworth shaped cloud of dust left by him from the offseason?

Niners cover.

CHARGERS @ THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS -4.5

Whatever man.

I have my own feelings about what’s going on with the Giants. Win or lose there are things I’m not happy about and there are things with which I’m comfortable.

I suffer from no delusions when it comes to my favorite teams.

That said, the last time these two played, 70-some odd pts were scored. LDT was much better back then and our defense was much worse. Also, Canty and Boley are back and we’re starting a better pass-defending SS.

Take from that what you will.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Cowboys @ PHILADELPHIA -2.5

I don’t believe in either team though I wouldn’t be surprised if either won the division.

Andy Reid is a solid game strategist but a terrible game-day coach. Wade is fine enough on game-day but does not instill discipline in his team.

Discipline always wins out with evenly matched teams so I’m taking Philly.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

STEELERS @ Mile High +2.5

Apparently The Broncos are unbeatable at Mile High.

Speaking of which, the altitude might literally kill Pittsburgh safety, Ryan Clark.

I'm hearing all that noise but I’m still taking the Steelers to cover.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK:

Ok. Now that that’s out the way I can jump on some of these over/unders.

Here’s one I’ve literally already put good money on. Pays out: 6/1.

Lions/hawks OVR 43.5, Titans/49ers OVR 40.5, Steelers -2.5

“Happy Hunting!”

Burger

This guy is serious about improving his accuracy!

In any given year in the NFL there are generally 3 types of teams: sure-shot playoff teams, middle of the road just miss/make the wild-card teams, and complete abominations. These categories can be subdivided and there’s plenty of overlap and bleeding at the boundariess of each category but this is how things work for the most part.

This is why I don’t sweat ass-rammings like the one NOLA gave to The New York Football Giants. Ultimately, they are a playoff team. They have to play every game to ensure this comes to fruition of course, but really, for the sure-shots the regular season is an extended pre-season for the playoff tournament. You’re given 17 weeks to work out your strengths and weaknesses, develop durable and effective game plan while keeping or getting guys healthy.
When playoff time comes around The New York Football Giants should have Aaron Ross and Michael Boley back (big difference) and hopefully Chris Canty. Even if 2 of these 3 don’t make it back you might have rookies like Hakeem Nicks and Travis Beckum emerging on offense. Or Clint Sintim and Bruce Johnson on defense.

The point is that no team is the same in week 6 as they are in week 16. And this goes for ALL NFL teams. This is why your #1 concern is winning your division because it’s all about getting invited to the dance. Everyone knows that once you get there it’s a whole new ball game.

Alright. Enough about all that. How’d I do last week?
7-7?
Terrific. Thanks Brett. Thanks Jets. Thanks Eagles.

I’ve slipped to 50-41 on the year.

”I can and WILL do better.”

*****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 7*****

EARLY GAMES

THE LIGHT BRIGADE @ ARROWHEAD +4.5 (±44 OVR)
This should be a fun game to watch. Neither team is terribly concerned about playing good defense yet both teams have been plucky on offense. The San Diego offensive line is improving in health. LDT looked decent against a solid Denver defense and Rivers and Gates were able to connect for a few big plays.
Last week the Chiefs “upset” the Redskins who are a terrible team, to be sure, but their defense is pretty solid. And road games on the East coast are always tough.
I can’t in good conscience pick the Chiefs to cover against a team as talented as the Chargers. Nor can I trust the Chargers to play enough D to cover at Arrowhead. You can call me a sissy...
…but I'm takin the OVAAAAH!

COLTS @ Gateway City +13
Little need be said about this game. It’s Colts v. Rams after all. But Indy’s coming off bye and Bob Sanders is ready to play his 8 games this season.
What Colts line WOULDN’T you take?

PACKERS @ The Brown Hole +9
Why the “brown hole”? Cuz they stink? Not really.
It’s just that Cleveland Stadium is such a boring name. The irony is that this franchise has never been terribly clever. The owner’s name was Paul Brown so they named the team “The Browns”. Their unis are monochromatic. Their greatest player happens to share his name with the team and went to 9 Pro-Bowls in a 9 year career while taking 9 seconds to get up from Every one of his 9 yard runs regardless of whether he was hurt or not (so the defense would never know when he was gassed).
So what’s with no longer playing at Municipal Stadium? I always loved that name. So nondescript yet totally appropriate. This is Cleveland after all!

Yeeeeeah, you love it!

I like The Pack coming off bye.

VIKINGS @ THE CITY OF CHAMPIONS -5.5 (±45 OVER)
Win-losses aside, you have to consider The Vikings the better team. They’re winning ball games on all sides of the ball. The Steelers meanwhile…I dunno. Something about them I just don’t trust. Polamalu didn’t look like he was at full speed but he was still a force.
If this was a neutral site or at Minnesota, I’d take the Vikings. But at Heinz Field anything is possible.
I’m gonna chicken out and take another over.

PATRIOTS vs. Buccaneers +14.5 (@ Wembley Stadium)
SHIPOOPI-SHIPOOPI!!!
Weather should be nice enough so...
Take the rebels.

Now NEW England goes to OLD England to play a ball game.” –The Ed

49ers @ HOUSTON -3
The Niners finally let me down, getting atom-smashed by the Falcons before the bye. I’m now free to harp on their anemic offense which shoooould be better with the return of Frank Gore and the NFL debut of Michael Crabtree but Houston scores forever though.
Hey look! A home team cover!.

LATE GAMES

THE NY TITANS @ Oakland +6
Having Nnamdi and Revis cover Braylon and Heyward-Bey is sort of like sending The Hulk to downtown Manhattan on 9/11 to “fuck shit up.”
I'm taking the Jets.

Bills @ CAROLINA-7
I picked them to win, I still enjoyed watching the Jets lose to Buffalo last week. The Bills stink on ice though and now that rancid meat is left to dry in the afternoon sun in Charlotte.
The Panthers crack me up.
In the midst of Jake Delhomme’s explicable meltdown, Steve Smith kept saying that he still loves Jake and that he still believes in him. Then last week he says that he himself is no longer an asset to the team!
I want to play in Steve’s fantasy league.
Carolina.

Bears @CIN CITY -1
I’m watching this game for ONE reason and ONE reason only….because MJD is a big-time fantasy football fan. This past week I heard him mention that he owned himself and Matt Forte but that “Forte is killing me."
MoJo plans on calling Matt to give him a pep talk.
I think he was serious because he, himself, is on bye so he won't be able to carry....himself. (So surreal)
I’m taking the home team, by the way.

SAINTS @ MIAMA +6.5 (±47 UND)
I was really thinking about taking the South Beach Wildcats. I mean, think about it. The Saints are not gonna go undefeated. AFC East defenses have played them well and they’ll be outdoors on grass against a team that can control the clock with their half-back silliness.
So in this case I am both the chicken-hawk AND the chicken.
Under.

FALCONS @ Jerry’s Death Star -4
Matt Ryan looks terrific. Why any college QB wouldn’t elect to play all four years is beyond me.
The Cowboys are coming off their bye and are at home. Felix is back but he’s lost snaps to Tashard. Barber’s quad should be stronger. Wile E. Coyote should be alright, though he’ll still suck balls (and not in the manner he's paid to) but more importantly, Demarcus Ware is a little banged up. It looks like he’ll give it a go on Sunday but that defense is suspect when fully healthy.

Dirty Birds seen shitting all over the new stadium grounds.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

MORGAN ATHLETIC CLUB @ THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS -4 (±46 OVR)
Oooh! It’s that old NFC East rivalry that really wasn’t much of one. (But thanks for O.J. Anderson)
I spoke a little about the Giants in the intro and you know I never make picks involving these guys so…
…just take the obligatory primetime over.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

IGGIES @ FedEx Field +7
Apparently after the G-Men destroyed the Raiders, AP was quoted as saying the game felt like a scrimmage. Those Raiders (professionals that they are) took offense and came out fired up last Sunday.
I love that The Giants had no more to do with them so the Raiders were forced to take it all out on our division rivals, The Eagles.
...
MEANWHILE, back in Landover, the VP of Football Operations stripped Jim Zorn of his play calling duties. Didn’t fire him. Just stripped him of play calling duties.

Now I ask you, in what way is Zorn the head coach of this team if he has no control over the plays being called in the game?
What kind of organization is this? Is the VP of Communication in charge of in-game audibles?
Do the bankers that own Jim Zorn’s mortgage call his wife up to tell her what to cook her kids for dinner?
Insanity.

”No, Sherm! This is MY playbook. You wanna call plays? Get your own playbook!”

Also, Chris Samuels has decided to pack it in for the season. I don’t think Portis will be far behind.

Iggies, man. Iggies.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK
Sprinkled some Saturday football love in last week and it came through! Unfortunately the Eagles robbed us of any chance at collecting so we’re going big this week. You ready?

6-Team Tease (7pts): Texas -6*, Pitt +0.5*, Colts -6.5, Packers -2, SD/KC OVR 38, NYJ/Oak OVR 28.5

Odds? 1 will get you 6 if you have the heart for it.

*NB: Texas and Pitt refer to Texas Longhorns and the Pitt Panthers. A bottle of rum to anyone who can get a screen cap of my mom or sis at the Pitt homecoming game!
(Leaving you wide open for this lay-up because I trust that we’re mature enough to let the easy jokes pass by.)

Alright boys and girls! Enjoy your weekend and as always…

…Good Luck and God Bless!

Yeah. I'm Pretty Terrific...

A little while back I used to work as manager of an automotive service center on Long Island. It was a relatively large enterprise made all the more stressful by the constant stream of customer complaints. (To be honest, the customers were usually the least of my problems. I could talk a fish into walking on land. But at the end of the day the customers leave. The employees were the bigger headache. anyway…)

I remember this one customer whom I encountered sometime within my first few weeks. He had gotten some front-end and suspension work done, then had an accident. Something about his car crashing into an abutment or some-such. Somehow he got it into his head that the cause of the accident was faulty struts. There was absolutely no basis for this and even if there was, insurance takes care of these matters. But here he was, sitting in my office, politely arguing his case.

I’ll never forget this man for 2 reasons. One, he was Haitian and somehow he figured out that I was Haitian too. Once he realized this he immediately began speaking to me in creole, perhaps thinking that he had found a more sympathetic soul.

(Sorry, mon frère. When I walk through that door my blood turns green.)

But the second reason I’ll never forget this dude is because of what he said at the end of his story.

He said, “Raphael, I just want to be made WHOOOOOLE again.”

So funny because of the way he emphasized the word “whole”, the way he closed his eyes and pantomimed a self-embrace and the fact that that sentence was the first English sentence since he stumbled upon our common ancestry.

The events of this past weekend have left me in a terrible state both mentally and physically.

The closer we get to the weekend, however, the closer I get to being made WHOOOOLE again.

So let’s get to it.

*****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 6*****

EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES

Chiefs @ Jack Kent Cooke -6.5

The Chiefs versus the Redskins! Americans holler and cheer while somewhere in the wilderness an Injun cries as he stumbles out of a shitty casino, penniless and drunk off Night Train.

I’m thinking Missouri finally posts an NFL vic in 09.

Texans @ Cin City -5

At some point this Bengals thrill ride is going to end.

Houston has the firepower to at least keep it close.

Browns @ The City of Champions -14

Troy’s back! It’s amazing how much of a difference maker this guy is on defense. Steelers cover at home without him but they might just shut them out with him.

Peezburg all day.

B-More Ravens @ The Metrodome -3

Speaking of All-Day, if there’s one thing the Ravens can still do, it’s stopping the run. If there’s one thing they CAN’T do, it’s covering the wide receiver. Like I said last week, it all comes down to how well their corners perform. Only way to beat the Vikings is with a strong front 7 (check) and good cover corners (no-check).

Take the Vikings.

Rams @ Jacksonville -9.5

Wow, did the Jaguars get atom-smashed! Who saw that coming? Fortunately for the Jags, playing St. Louis is just what the doctor ordered. I cannot begin to tell you how talentless this team is. It’s mindboggling.

Jags. Jags. Jags.

The New York Football Giants @ The Superdome -3

Quite possibly the game of the week. Let me just say this. The Giants are one of the few teams built to stop a spread offense like that of the Saints. They have a defensive line that can create pressure and play well against the run. They have linebackers that play gap-sound football. And they have athletic corners and nickelbacks that can cover.

I so wish Kenny Phillips was playing in this game.

Panthers @ East St. Petersburg +3 ±39 OVR

Lovely. But that’s not the East St. Petersburg I’m talking about…

Let’s see. Maybe if I refine this search…

...theeere’s the East St. Petersburg I know!

Yuuuuck!

Lions @ Lambeau -13.5

Any other week and I would probably take the Lions to cover. As bad as they are on defense (and they are bad), they play tough. They are nowhere near the worst team in football. That said, the Packers are coming off bye. They have some O-linemen getting healthy and Megatron is questionable.

You can feel squeamish about it, but GB covers.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

Yellow Jackets @ The Black Hole +14

The Eagles are who they always are. Somehow they’ve been able to maintain their intensity on defense and they’ve only gotten faster on offense. We might get to see a lot more of Vick out there in the second half so keep this game on standby even if it becomes a laugher.

Eagles. Obviously.

Cardinals @ Seattle -3

I just don’t understand the Cardinals. In fact, I don’t understand the NFC West at all. Since Polomalu is back it’s Fitzy’s turn to serve time on the Madden jinx (last chance to sell high, fantasy owners).

STOP....FIGHTING....IT’S.....INEVITABLE!!!”

I’m going with the home team.

Bills @ The Meadowlands -9.5

This is why I avoided all Buffalo players in my fantasy drafts. That Bills offense is like the plague. T.O, Lynch, Fred Jackson and Lee Evans and you can’t score more than 3 against the Browns?!

In what universe does dismantling your offensive line result in improved football performance?

Only the Jets could fuck this one up.

Oilers @ Foxborough -9

Every week I find myself in the same position (when I serve them up that readily, you’re obliged to just let it pass). I look at the line. I look at the matchup. I look at the Titans record and say to myself, “Humboldt…” (for this is what I call myself in my head). I say, “Humboldt, do you really think The Titans, a team that went 13-3 last year, is gonna start this season off 0-3…0-4…0-5?”

To be fair, I got a break from that last week when they went up against P-Money but…

…ach! I’m taking the Pats.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Bears @ The Georgia Dome -3

Here is what we’re gonna be able to take away from this game (besides some money if you bet on the home team). There’s a reason why a new coach is willing to trade away a Jay Cutler and there’s a reason why a new coach will stake his fledgling career on a Matt Ryan.

Go with the Falcons.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Broncos @ Qualcomm -3.5

Speak of the devil. Here we have Josh McDaniels who with each passing week is looking more and more like a certified genius. But we also have the Chargers, a team who’s GM thought it wise to dump Brees and go with Rivers. I don’t care what you tell me about how well Rivers plays. I just know that that team, especially LDT, LOVED Drew Brees. I’m not saying they don’t like Rivers. But I know they loved Drew Brees. That counts for a lot.

Anyway, the home team is coming off a bye so I’ll keep it simple and take the Chargers.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK

I know most of you don’t gamble and if you do you don’t trust or believe in my picks enough to put serious bank on any of these Parlays. But here’s the thing, when you’re getting 7/1 odds on something you don’t need to hit every time or even every other time to be a winner. After 5 weeks I’m 2-3 on these parlays. That’s a SHIT TON of bank. Last week I gave you 3 options and they ALL hit.

I’m just saying.

5-Team Tease (7pts.): Alabama -10.5, Texas Longhorns +4, Chiefs +13.5, Texans +12, Eagles -7, Bears/Falcons OVR 39.5

That’s right. I threw a couple college games in there. Red River Rivalry? Gotta get in on that. This tease gives you 5/1 odds so consider this my gift to you.

Happy trails, cowgirls and as always…

...Good Luck and God Bless!”

GHOSTDINI FOREVER!

Better late than never at all...

A quarter of the NFL season is done and a few thinks have become abundantly clear.

1. The Raiders continue to be one of the most inexplicably worst organizations of the early 21^st century. I’d rather be a Lions fan than ride with the Autumn Wind.

2. That entire 13-3 Titans season was a fluke. It took about 19 weeks for them to start showing their true colours, but they did. We all just needed an extra couple of weeks to get the message.

3. The Lions should devote their next 5 free agent and draft acquisitions to defense. A Pro-Bowl tackle on either side of the ball would be nice too.

4. Everyone should be scared of the Saints.

5. Bret Favre will play past his 44^th birthday.

6. But that acquisition has already netted the Vikings 2 extra wins.

7. Anyone planning on playing Green Bay in the next 6 years should pray they don’t improve their offensive line.

8. The Rams were foolish to put their trust in Marc Bulger 6 years ago. All of their ills stem from that one mistake.

9. Wade Phillips has a solid mind for Xs and Os, but he cannot instill discipline into a team that sorely needs it.

10. Ghostface Killah might never fall off.[/i]

We’re not gonna discuss my record from last week. The Saints, Chargers, Packers and Bears are all on bye.

So without further ado…

*****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 5*****

EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES

Vikings @ Gateway City +10

The #24 ranked Missouri Tigers were up 12 points in the 4^th quarter before allowing the Cornhuskers to score four straight TDS (3 in the span of four minutes) en route to a 27-12 loss last night. There’s no doubt in my mind that either Texas team from the Big 12 South should have had a chance to play for the conference title last year.

Anyway, there’s no reason to believe the Vikings won’t score 30. Two in the air. Two on the ground. So you tell me how the Rams score 17.

I’ll wait…

Cowboys @ Arrowhead +8

The Cowboys are quietly a terrible team. For years they’ve fooled us with the preponderance of talent on their roster but every blue-chipper on that team is fatally flawed in a major way. Add that to the fact that the team is so poorly coached and it’s no wonder they always finish the way they do.

That said, they have played undefeated teams close and have beaten the bad teams. The Chiefs are a bad team (and are getting better).

Btw, my whole Mizzou rant was just to highlight the fact that the state will be 0-fer this week because…

…Chiefs don’t cover at Arrowhead anymore.

Braves @ Carolina -3.5

Didn’t both these states go blue last October?

I sincerely hope the off week has given John Fox and co. a chance to figure out what it is they want to do on offense.

I’m going with the home team.

Buc @ Eagles -14.5

This is what I mean. The Eagles and Cowboys have comparable talent but the Iggies are much better coached, especially on defense. Andy Reid is still a fat putz but this is a relative argument. 2+TDs makes me nervous but the Bucs are banged up at RB and the Philly D should be able to fluster whatever young QB Raheem throws out there.

Amazingly, I’m taking the Eagles.

Raiders @ The New York Football Giants -15 OVR±38

Anyone who took DMC in their fantasy draft deserves everything that’s happening to them right now. That organization is so screwed up that their draft day antics have affected BOTH bay area teams.

Eli is gonna hafta play with pain the rest of the season but it remains to be seen if he’ll do so this weekend. Carr got enough snaps this week to put 2 TDs on the board. The running game will work itself out.

Against all reason, I’m gonna take the OVR.

Browns @ Ralph Wilson -6.5

The Braylon saga is just too funny for words. The Browns let the Jets trade with them to get Mark Sanchez and now they’ve given them Edwards for less than they were asking of The Giants in the off-season (unless you think Chansi is good substitute for a 1^st round pick).

I just love the idea that within minutes of Massaquoi’s breakout performance, Mangini was on the phone shopping #17. And I’m sure it was 50% orchestrated by Cleveland’s Don Capo Supreme, LeBron Davis. Who wants to bet that once LBJ signs with a NY team that Edwards gets shipped to Oakland?

I like the Browns to cover.

Bengals @ The Independent City of Baltimore-8.5

What does that mean, “Independent City”? What’s their relationship to the rest Maryland? Do their residents not pay state taxes? Is there no gubernatorial or congressional oversight?

I can see the Bengals fucking me here but something tells me the Ravens aren’t happy about losing that conference game up in Foxborough.

If that secondary can hold it together the Ravens should take care of business.

Steelers @ The Motor City +10.5

All I asked of these clowns was to cover 20 against their division rivals. Of course they go out and let the Bears score 48 on them. There’s no reason for me to believe that Big Ben and company can’t control this game from the opening kickoff.

I’ll take Pittsburgh.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

Dirty Birds @ Candlestick -2.5

One of my favorite games this week as The Niners have become one of my favorite teams.

We ride with them till they bankrupt us.

Pats @ Mile High +3 OVR±41

Looks like Kid Daniels is making good on his promise. Bill Simmons had an interesting article a couple weeks ago about Bill Belicheck and the Pats.

(Had I an ounce of professionalism there would be a link somewhere in that paragraph)

This line looks about right to me, and god help me I’m taking the OVR.

Jags @ Seattle PICK’EM

Somehow this game escaped my attention the first time I posted these picks. It’s not hard to see why. I can’t find an over/under on this, but to be honest, I haven’t really tried.

Let’s start picking Jaguars for a couple of games and see what happens.

Texans @ Arizona -5.5

Man, they jacked up this over. At 50.5 it’s almost ten times the spread. People are gonna talk about how this game will feature the two best WRs in football right now (while my man Reggie Wayne keeps doing what he do).

Drink every time you hear “duel in the desert” and marvel as I take yet ANOTHER road team to cover.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Colts @ Music City +3.5

There are 2 divisions in which it does not matter how good or bad any of the teams are, the spread will ALWAYS be within 2.5-4.5 points. The AFC South is one of them. There’s a good chance I will never bet on the Oilers again.

By the way, I hope they’re wearing their powder blues and Peyton’s allowed to wear black shoes.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Jets @ Miama +1

These AFC East primetime matchups are always classics. Last time the South Beach Wildcats went up against Rex Ryan and a rookie QB they got jacked like Daniels. I don’t see why that wouldn’t happen again.

Take Gang Green.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK

I don’t think the Chargers covered last week so our teaser was doomed from the get go but The Lions failing to cover 20 against the Bears in the 1 o’clock game was a harbinger of terrible things for us overall. I’m telling you right now that I’m putting a hundo on The Vikings (+0), The Steelers (-.5) and the Eagles (-4.5) in a 3-Team Tease.

Feel free to sub the Colts in at +6.5 if you don’t mind waiting on the Sunday Night game.

Or shave 4 points off all 4 of those lines and throw the Cowboys at -2 in for a nice 5-Team Tease.

You can thank me later.

Ok. that's it from me. sorry this is up so late. Busy weekend.

(Congratulations to Taantee, Chi, Vi, Stew, Tanesha and The Big Cat!)

I actually had this done on Friday but failed to post it till just now.

Anyway, Happy Hunting and as per usual…

...Good Luck and God Bless!