MODERN MARVEL

Took last week off…

...needed to relax.

And it’s a good thing I did because last week was crazy.

Not sure where I left off as far as a YTD record but this week I’m gonna try something different.

I’m not picking any over/unders. Everything is straight up ATS.

LET’S GO!

****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 9****

EARLY SUNDAY GAMES

CHIEFS @ Jacksonville -6.5

These 2 teams couldn’t be more different. The Chiefs are an old team without a running game but with a great home-field advantage. The Jags are barely 15 years old, have MJD running the ball but can barely draw 20K to the stadium.

None of this has anything to do with my picking the Chiefs to cover.

RAVENS @ Cinn Citi +3

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for the Ravens. They always resembled the team I was used to my Giants being. These days both squads rely on more on their offense to win games instead of their underachieving defense.

None of this has anything to do with my picking the Ravens to cover.

Texans @ INDIANAPOLIS -9

I’m not sure what the over in this game is (even though I’m taking it). It really can’t be high enough and history tells us that this game will be very close until the final 5 minutes.

So obviously, I’m going with THIS guy.

Braves @ THE GEORGIA DOME -8.5

I hope by now you realize that I refuse to call Washington by their “preferred” team name.

The line in this game opened at 10, which is about how much it takes to outscore the Braves offense.

Was going to take the Braves to cover but I could do without that point and a half screwing me.

Falcons.

PACKERS @ East St. Petersburg +9.5

Some say that Aaron Rodgers takes too many bad sacks but all I see is a dude that could be the best QB in the league given adequate protection. The Packers gets two starters back on the O-line so…uh…

Green Bay all day.

CARDINALS @ Soldier Field +3

Fun Fact: Did you know that the Cardinals are the NFL’s oldest franchise and originally played in Chicago a full 23 years before the Bears came around?

OGs cover.

Cardinals vs. Bears: Thanksgiving Day, 1925

WILDCATS @ Foxborough -10.5

We’ve all heard a hundred times about how “The Wildcat” was unveiled in this game last year. And we all know that Bill Belicheck doesn’t usually fall for the same trick 4 times. And we all know the last thing you want to do is give this guy 2 weeks to prepare for anything.

Nuts to all that. I’m taking the fins.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

PANTHERS @ The Superdome -13

I don’t think there’s a better game to watch week to week than a Saints game.

NOLA’s own, Jake Delhomme (aka: The Human Turnover Machine) faces off against the fast-breaking Saints D, featuring this guy…

Darren Sharper, aka: INTERCEPTOR SUPREME

Against all reason, I’m rolling with the crazy Cajun.

LIONS @ Seattle -10

I didn’t put up column last week so I couldn’t comment the Toilet-Bowl matchup between The Lions and Rams. I highly recommend you watch it. It’s surreal.

I would think this game would be similar except for the fact that Qwest field is loud even at 6 AM Christmas morning.

Kevin Smith is probable (my designation not the Detroit’s) and Megatron is a GTD.

sigh.

Biggest gamble of the week: Lions cover.

Titans @ CANDLESTICK PARK -4

The Titans are 1-100 on the season but this is the fear that Chris Johnson puts into the hearts of bettors.

Singletary vs. VY? Crabtree and Davis vs. that secondary? Gore vs. the Albert Haynesworth shaped cloud of dust left by him from the offseason?

Niners cover.

CHARGERS @ THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS -4.5

Whatever man.

I have my own feelings about what’s going on with the Giants. Win or lose there are things I’m not happy about and there are things that I’m comfortable with.

I suffer from no delusions when it comes to my favorite teams.

That said, the last time these two played I think 70 pts were scored. LDT was much better back then and our defense was much worse. Also, Canty and Boley are back and we’re starting a better pass-defending SS.

Take out of that what you will.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Cowboys @ PHILADELPHIA -2.5

I don’t believe in either of these two teams though I wouldn’t be surprised if either won the division.

Andy Reid is a solid game strategist but a terrible game-day coach. Wade is fine enough on game-day but does not instill discipline in his team.

Discipline always wins out with evenly matched teams so I’m taking Philly.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

STEELERS @ Mile High +2.5

Apparently The Broncos are unbeatable at Mile High.

Speaking of which, the altitude might literally kill Pittsburgh safety, Ryan Clark.

I hear all that noise and I’m still taking the Steelers to cover.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK:

Ok. Now that that’s out the way I can jump on some of these over/unders.

Here’s one I’ve literally already put good money on. Pays out: 6/1.

Lions/hawks OVR 43.5, Titans/49ers OVR 40.5, Steelers -2.5

“Happy Hunting!”

Burger

This guy is serious about improving his accuracy!

In any given year in the NFL there are generally 3 types of teams: sure-shot playoff teams, middle of the road just miss/make the wild-card teams, and complete abominations. These categories can be subdivided and there’s plenty of overlap and bleeding at the boundariess of each category but this is how things work for the most part.

This is why I don’t sweat ass-rammings like the one NOLA gave to The New York Football Giants. Ultimately, they are a playoff team. They have to play every game to ensure this comes to fruition of course, but really, for the sure-shots the regular season is an extended pre-season for the playoff tournament. You’re given 17 weeks to work out your strengths and weaknesses, develop durable and effective game plan while keeping or getting guys healthy.
When playoff time comes around The New York Football Giants should have Aaron Ross and Michael Boley back (big difference) and hopefully Chris Canty. Even if 2 of these 3 don’t make it back you might have rookies like Hakeem Nicks and Travis Beckum emerging on offense. Or Clint Sintim and Bruce Johnson on defense.

The point is that no team is the same in week 6 as they are in week 16. And this goes for ALL NFL teams. This is why your #1 concern is winning your division because it’s all about getting invited to the dance. Everyone knows that once you get there it’s a whole new ball game.

Alright. Enough about all that. How’d I do last week?
7-7?
Terrific. Thanks Brett. Thanks Jets. Thanks Eagles.

I’ve slipped to 50-41 on the year.

”I can and WILL do better.”

*****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 7*****

EARLY GAMES

THE LIGHT BRIGADE @ ARROWHEAD +4.5 (±44 OVR)
This should be a fun game to watch. Neither team is terribly concerned about playing good defense yet both teams have been plucky on offense. The San Diego offensive line is improving in health. LDT looked decent against a solid Denver defense and Rivers and Gates were able to connect for a few big plays.
Last week the Chiefs “upset” the Redskins who are a terrible team, to be sure, but their defense is pretty solid. And road games on the East coast are always tough.
I can’t in good conscience pick the Chiefs to cover against a team as talented as the Chargers. Nor can I trust the Chargers to play enough D to cover at Arrowhead. You can call me a sissy...
…but I'm takin the OVAAAAH!

COLTS @ Gateway City +13
Little need be said about this game. It’s Colts v. Rams after all. But Indy’s coming off bye and Bob Sanders is ready to play his 8 games this season.
What Colts line WOULDN’T you take?

PACKERS @ The Brown Hole +9
Why the “brown hole”? Cuz they stink? Not really.
It’s just that Cleveland Stadium is such a boring name. The irony is that this franchise has never been terribly clever. The owner’s name was Paul Brown so they named the team “The Browns”. Their unis are monochromatic. Their greatest player happens to share his name with the team and went to 9 Pro-Bowls in a 9 year career while taking 9 seconds to get up from Every one of his 9 yard runs regardless of whether he was hurt or not (so the defense would never know when he was gassed).
So what’s with no longer playing at Municipal Stadium? I always loved that name. So nondescript yet totally appropriate. This is Cleveland after all!

Yeeeeeah, you love it!

I like The Pack coming off bye.

VIKINGS @ THE CITY OF CHAMPIONS -5.5 (±45 OVER)
Win-losses aside, you have to consider The Vikings the better team. They’re winning ball games on all sides of the ball. The Steelers meanwhile…I dunno. Something about them I just don’t trust. Polamalu didn’t look like he was at full speed but he was still a force.
If this was a neutral site or at Minnesota, I’d take the Vikings. But at Heinz Field anything is possible.
I’m gonna chicken out and take another over.

PATRIOTS vs. Buccaneers +14.5 (@ Wembley Stadium)
SHIPOOPI-SHIPOOPI!!!
Weather should be nice enough so...
Take the rebels.

Now NEW England goes to OLD England to play a ball game.” –The Ed

49ers @ HOUSTON -3
The Niners finally let me down, getting atom-smashed by the Falcons before the bye. I’m now free to harp on their anemic offense which shoooould be better with the return of Frank Gore and the NFL debut of Michael Crabtree but Houston scores forever though.
Hey look! A home team cover!.

LATE GAMES

THE NY TITANS @ Oakland +6
Having Nnamdi and Revis cover Braylon and Heyward-Bey is sort of like sending The Hulk to downtown Manhattan on 9/11 to “fuck shit up.”
I'm taking the Jets.

Bills @ CAROLINA-7
I picked them to win, I still enjoyed watching the Jets lose to Buffalo last week. The Bills stink on ice though and now that rancid meat is left to dry in the afternoon sun in Charlotte.
The Panthers crack me up.
In the midst of Jake Delhomme’s explicable meltdown, Steve Smith kept saying that he still loves Jake and that he still believes in him. Then last week he says that he himself is no longer an asset to the team!
I want to play in Steve’s fantasy league.
Carolina.

Bears @CIN CITY -1
I’m watching this game for ONE reason and ONE reason only….because MJD is a big-time fantasy football fan. This past week I heard him mention that he owned himself and Matt Forte but that “Forte is killing me."
MoJo plans on calling Matt to give him a pep talk.
I think he was serious because he, himself, is on bye so he won't be able to carry....himself. (So surreal)
I’m taking the home team, by the way.

SAINTS @ MIAMA +6.5 (±47 UND)
I was really thinking about taking the South Beach Wildcats. I mean, think about it. The Saints are not gonna go undefeated. AFC East defenses have played them well and they’ll be outdoors on grass against a team that can control the clock with their half-back silliness.
So in this case I am both the chicken-hawk AND the chicken.
Under.

FALCONS @ Jerry’s Death Star -4
Matt Ryan looks terrific. Why any college QB wouldn’t elect to play all four years is beyond me.
The Cowboys are coming off their bye and are at home. Felix is back but he’s lost snaps to Tashard. Barber’s quad should be stronger. Wile E. Coyote should be alright, though he’ll still suck balls (and not in the manner he's paid to) but more importantly, Demarcus Ware is a little banged up. It looks like he’ll give it a go on Sunday but that defense is suspect when fully healthy.

Dirty Birds seen shitting all over the new stadium grounds.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

MORGAN ATHLETIC CLUB @ THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS -4 (±46 OVR)
Oooh! It’s that old NFC East rivalry that really wasn’t much of one. (But thanks for O.J. Anderson)
I spoke a little about the Giants in the intro and you know I never make picks involving these guys so…
…just take the obligatory primetime over.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

IGGIES @ FedEx Field +7
Apparently after the G-Men destroyed the Raiders, AP was quoted as saying the game felt like a scrimmage. Those Raiders (professionals that they are) took offense and came out fired up last Sunday.
I love that The Giants had no more to do with them so the Raiders were forced to take it all out on our division rivals, The Eagles.
...
MEANWHILE, back in Landover, the VP of Football Operations stripped Jim Zorn of his play calling duties. Didn’t fire him. Just stripped him of play calling duties.

Now I ask you, in what way is Zorn the head coach of this team if he has no control over the plays being called in the game?
What kind of organization is this? Is the VP of Communication in charge of in-game audibles?
Do the bankers that own Jim Zorn’s mortgage call his wife up to tell her what to cook her kids for dinner?
Insanity.

”No, Sherm! This is MY playbook. You wanna call plays? Get your own playbook!”

Also, Chris Samuels has decided to pack it in for the season. I don’t think Portis will be far behind.

Iggies, man. Iggies.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK
Sprinkled some Saturday football love in last week and it came through! Unfortunately the Eagles robbed us of any chance at collecting so we’re going big this week. You ready?

6-Team Tease (7pts): Texas -6*, Pitt +0.5*, Colts -6.5, Packers -2, SD/KC OVR 38, NYJ/Oak OVR 28.5

Odds? 1 will get you 6 if you have the heart for it.

*NB: Texas and Pitt refer to Texas Longhorns and the Pitt Panthers. A bottle of rum to anyone who can get a screen cap of my mom or sis at the Pitt homecoming game!
(Leaving you wide open for this lay-up because I trust that we’re mature enough to let the easy jokes pass by.)

Alright boys and girls! Enjoy your weekend and as always…

…Good Luck and God Bless!

Yeah. I'm Pretty Terrific...

A little while back I used to work as manager of an automotive service center on Long Island. It was a relatively large enterprise made all the more stressful by the constant stream of customer complaints. (To be honest, the customers were usually the least of my problems. I could talk a fish into walking on land. But at the end of the day the customers leave. The employees were the bigger headache. anyway…)

I remember this one customer whom I encountered sometime within my first few weeks. He had gotten some front-end and suspension work done, then had an accident. Something about his car crashing into an abutment or some-such. Somehow he got it into his head that the cause of the accident was faulty struts. There was absolutely no basis for this and even if there was, insurance takes care of these matters. But here he was, sitting in my office, politely arguing his case.

I’ll never forget this man for 2 reasons. One, he was Haitian and somehow he figured out that I was Haitian too. Once he realized this he immediately began speaking to me in creole, perhaps thinking that he had found a more sympathetic soul.

(Sorry, mon frère. When I walk through that door my blood turns green.)

But the second reason I’ll never forget this dude is because of what he said at the end of his story.

He said, “Raphael, I just want to be made WHOOOOOLE again.”

So funny because of the way he emphasized the word “whole”, the way he closed his eyes and pantomimed a self-embrace and the fact that that sentence was the first English sentence since he stumbled upon our common ancestry.

The events of this past weekend have left me in a terrible state both mentally and physically.

The closer we get to the weekend, however, the closer I get to being made WHOOOOLE again.

So let’s get to it.

*****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 6*****

EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES

Chiefs @ Jack Kent Cooke -6.5

The Chiefs versus the Redskins! Americans holler and cheer while somewhere in the wilderness an Injun cries as he stumbles out of a shitty casino, penniless and drunk off Night Train.

I’m thinking Missouri finally posts an NFL vic in 09.

Texans @ Cin City -5

At some point this Bengals thrill ride is going to end.

Houston has the firepower to at least keep it close.

Browns @ The City of Champions -14

Troy’s back! It’s amazing how much of a difference maker this guy is on defense. Steelers cover at home without him but they might just shut them out with him.

Peezburg all day.

B-More Ravens @ The Metrodome -3

Speaking of All-Day, if there’s one thing the Ravens can still do, it’s stopping the run. If there’s one thing they CAN’T do, it’s covering the wide receiver. Like I said last week, it all comes down to how well their corners perform. Only way to beat the Vikings is with a strong front 7 (check) and good cover corners (no-check).

Take the Vikings.

Rams @ Jacksonville -9.5

Wow, did the Jaguars get atom-smashed! Who saw that coming? Fortunately for the Jags, playing St. Louis is just what the doctor ordered. I cannot begin to tell you how talentless this team is. It’s mindboggling.

Jags. Jags. Jags.

The New York Football Giants @ The Superdome -3

Quite possibly the game of the week. Let me just say this. The Giants are one of the few teams built to stop a spread offense like that of the Saints. They have a defensive line that can create pressure and play well against the run. They have linebackers that play gap-sound football. And they have athletic corners and nickelbacks that can cover.

I so wish Kenny Phillips was playing in this game.

Panthers @ East St. Petersburg +3 ±39 OVR

Lovely. But that’s not the East St. Petersburg I’m talking about…

Let’s see. Maybe if I refine this search…

...theeere’s the East St. Petersburg I know!

Yuuuuck!

Lions @ Lambeau -13.5

Any other week and I would probably take the Lions to cover. As bad as they are on defense (and they are bad), they play tough. They are nowhere near the worst team in football. That said, the Packers are coming off bye. They have some O-linemen getting healthy and Megatron is questionable.

You can feel squeamish about it, but GB covers.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

Yellow Jackets @ The Black Hole +14

The Eagles are who they always are. Somehow they’ve been able to maintain their intensity on defense and they’ve only gotten faster on offense. We might get to see a lot more of Vick out there in the second half so keep this game on standby even if it becomes a laugher.

Eagles. Obviously.

Cardinals @ Seattle -3

I just don’t understand the Cardinals. In fact, I don’t understand the NFC West at all. Since Polomalu is back it’s Fitzy’s turn to serve time on the Madden jinx (last chance to sell high, fantasy owners).

STOP....FIGHTING....IT’S.....INEVITABLE!!!”

I’m going with the home team.

Bills @ The Meadowlands -9.5

This is why I avoided all Buffalo players in my fantasy drafts. That Bills offense is like the plague. T.O, Lynch, Fred Jackson and Lee Evans and you can’t score more than 3 against the Browns?!

In what universe does dismantling your offensive line result in improved football performance?

Only the Jets could fuck this one up.

Oilers @ Foxborough -9

Every week I find myself in the same position (when I serve them up that readily, you’re obliged to just let it pass). I look at the line. I look at the matchup. I look at the Titans record and say to myself, “Humboldt…” (for this is what I call myself in my head). I say, “Humboldt, do you really think The Titans, a team that went 13-3 last year, is gonna start this season off 0-3…0-4…0-5?”

To be fair, I got a break from that last week when they went up against P-Money but…

…ach! I’m taking the Pats.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Bears @ The Georgia Dome -3

Here is what we’re gonna be able to take away from this game (besides some money if you bet on the home team). There’s a reason why a new coach is willing to trade away a Jay Cutler and there’s a reason why a new coach will stake his fledgling career on a Matt Ryan.

Go with the Falcons.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Broncos @ Qualcomm -3.5

Speak of the devil. Here we have Josh McDaniels who with each passing week is looking more and more like a certified genius. But we also have the Chargers, a team who’s GM thought it wise to dump Brees and go with Rivers. I don’t care what you tell me about how well Rivers plays. I just know that that team, especially LDT, LOVED Drew Brees. I’m not saying they don’t like Rivers. But I know they loved Drew Brees. That counts for a lot.

Anyway, the home team is coming off a bye so I’ll keep it simple and take the Chargers.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK

I know most of you don’t gamble and if you do you don’t trust or believe in my picks enough to put serious bank on any of these Parlays. But here’s the thing, when you’re getting 7/1 odds on something you don’t need to hit every time or even every other time to be a winner. After 5 weeks I’m 2-3 on these parlays. That’s a SHIT TON of bank. Last week I gave you 3 options and they ALL hit.

I’m just saying.

5-Team Tease (7pts.): Alabama -10.5, Texas Longhorns +4, Chiefs +13.5, Texans +12, Eagles -7, Bears/Falcons OVR 39.5

That’s right. I threw a couple college games in there. Red River Rivalry? Gotta get in on that. This tease gives you 5/1 odds so consider this my gift to you.

Happy trails, cowgirls and as always…

...Good Luck and God Bless!”

GHOSTDINI FOREVER!

Better late than never at all...

A quarter of the NFL season is done and a few thinks have become abundantly clear.

1. The Raiders continue to be one of the most inexplicably worst organizations of the early 21^st century. I’d rather be a Lions fan than ride with the Autumn Wind.

2. That entire 13-3 Titans season was a fluke. It took about 19 weeks for them to start showing their true colours, but they did. We all just needed an extra couple of weeks to get the message.

3. The Lions should devote their next 5 free agent and draft acquisitions to defense. A Pro-Bowl tackle on either side of the ball would be nice too.

4. Everyone should be scared of the Saints.

5. Bret Favre will play past his 44^th birthday.

6. But that acquisition has already netted the Vikings 2 extra wins.

7. Anyone planning on playing Green Bay in the next 6 years should pray they don’t improve their offensive line.

8. The Rams were foolish to put their trust in Marc Bulger 6 years ago. All of their ills stem from that one mistake.

9. Wade Phillips has a solid mind for Xs and Os, but he cannot instill discipline into a team that sorely needs it.

10. Ghostface Killah might never fall off.[/i]

We’re not gonna discuss my record from last week. The Saints, Chargers, Packers and Bears are all on bye.

So without further ado…

*****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 5*****

EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES

Vikings @ Gateway City +10

The #24 ranked Missouri Tigers were up 12 points in the 4^th quarter before allowing the Cornhuskers to score four straight TDS (3 in the span of four minutes) en route to a 27-12 loss last night. There’s no doubt in my mind that either Texas team from the Big 12 South should have had a chance to play for the conference title last year.

Anyway, there’s no reason to believe the Vikings won’t score 30. Two in the air. Two on the ground. So you tell me how the Rams score 17.

I’ll wait…

Cowboys @ Arrowhead +8

The Cowboys are quietly a terrible team. For years they’ve fooled us with the preponderance of talent on their roster but every blue-chipper on that team is fatally flawed in a major way. Add that to the fact that the team is so poorly coached and it’s no wonder they always finish the way they do.

That said, they have played undefeated teams close and have beaten the bad teams. The Chiefs are a bad team (and are getting better).

Btw, my whole Mizzou rant was just to highlight the fact that the state will be 0-fer this week because…

…Chiefs don’t cover at Arrowhead anymore.

Braves @ Carolina -3.5

Didn’t both these states go blue last October?

I sincerely hope the off week has given John Fox and co. a chance to figure out what it is they want to do on offense.

I’m going with the home team.

Buc @ Eagles -14.5

This is what I mean. The Eagles and Cowboys have comparable talent but the Iggies are much better coached, especially on defense. Andy Reid is still a fat putz but this is a relative argument. 2+TDs makes me nervous but the Bucs are banged up at RB and the Philly D should be able to fluster whatever young QB Raheem throws out there.

Amazingly, I’m taking the Eagles.

Raiders @ The New York Football Giants -15 OVR±38

Anyone who took DMC in their fantasy draft deserves everything that’s happening to them right now. That organization is so screwed up that their draft day antics have affected BOTH bay area teams.

Eli is gonna hafta play with pain the rest of the season but it remains to be seen if he’ll do so this weekend. Carr got enough snaps this week to put 2 TDs on the board. The running game will work itself out.

Against all reason, I’m gonna take the OVR.

Browns @ Ralph Wilson -6.5

The Braylon saga is just too funny for words. The Browns let the Jets trade with them to get Mark Sanchez and now they’ve given them Edwards for less than they were asking of The Giants in the off-season (unless you think Chansi is good substitute for a 1^st round pick).

I just love the idea that within minutes of Massaquoi’s breakout performance, Mangini was on the phone shopping #17. And I’m sure it was 50% orchestrated by Cleveland’s Don Capo Supreme, LeBron Davis. Who wants to bet that once LBJ signs with a NY team that Edwards gets shipped to Oakland?

I like the Browns to cover.

Bengals @ The Independent City of Baltimore-8.5

What does that mean, “Independent City”? What’s their relationship to the rest Maryland? Do their residents not pay state taxes? Is there no gubernatorial or congressional oversight?

I can see the Bengals fucking me here but something tells me the Ravens aren’t happy about losing that conference game up in Foxborough.

If that secondary can hold it together the Ravens should take care of business.

Steelers @ The Motor City +10.5

All I asked of these clowns was to cover 20 against their division rivals. Of course they go out and let the Bears score 48 on them. There’s no reason for me to believe that Big Ben and company can’t control this game from the opening kickoff.

I’ll take Pittsburgh.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

Dirty Birds @ Candlestick -2.5

One of my favorite games this week as The Niners have become one of my favorite teams.

We ride with them till they bankrupt us.

Pats @ Mile High +3 OVR±41

Looks like Kid Daniels is making good on his promise. Bill Simmons had an interesting article a couple weeks ago about Bill Belicheck and the Pats.

(Had I an ounce of professionalism there would be a link somewhere in that paragraph)

This line looks about right to me, and god help me I’m taking the OVR.

Jags @ Seattle PICK’EM

Somehow this game escaped my attention the first time I posted these picks. It’s not hard to see why. I can’t find an over/under on this, but to be honest, I haven’t really tried.

Let’s start picking Jaguars for a couple of games and see what happens.

Texans @ Arizona -5.5

Man, they jacked up this over. At 50.5 it’s almost ten times the spread. People are gonna talk about how this game will feature the two best WRs in football right now (while my man Reggie Wayne keeps doing what he do).

Drink every time you hear “duel in the desert” and marvel as I take yet ANOTHER road team to cover.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Colts @ Music City +3.5

There are 2 divisions in which it does not matter how good or bad any of the teams are, the spread will ALWAYS be within 2.5-4.5 points. The AFC South is one of them. There’s a good chance I will never bet on the Oilers again.

By the way, I hope they’re wearing their powder blues and Peyton’s allowed to wear black shoes.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Jets @ Miama +1

These AFC East primetime matchups are always classics. Last time the South Beach Wildcats went up against Rex Ryan and a rookie QB they got jacked like Daniels. I don’t see why that wouldn’t happen again.

Take Gang Green.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK

I don’t think the Chargers covered last week so our teaser was doomed from the get go but The Lions failing to cover 20 against the Bears in the 1 o’clock game was a harbinger of terrible things for us overall. I’m telling you right now that I’m putting a hundo on The Vikings (+0), The Steelers (-.5) and the Eagles (-4.5) in a 3-Team Tease.

Feel free to sub the Colts in at +6.5 if you don’t mind waiting on the Sunday Night game.

Or shave 4 points off all 4 of those lines and throw the Cowboys at -2 in for a nice 5-Team Tease.

You can thank me later.

Ok. that's it from me. sorry this is up so late. Busy weekend.

(Congratulations to Taantee, Chi, Vi, Stew, Tanesha and The Big Cat!)

I actually had this done on Friday but failed to post it till just now.

Anyway, Happy Hunting and as per usual…

...Good Luck and God Bless!

PIX PIX and MORE PIX!!!

****NFL LINES & PICKS: WEEK 4****

I wanna start this column off by congratulating one of my FF Kappa League rivals for besting me in an NFL Pick ATS side game last week. David “Lucky” Luckenbach went 11-5 against my 10-6 ATS. Great job, Luck.

That loss burned me up…
…not because he beat me at my own game but because of the NFL games that lost it for me.

The Titans and Jets have screwed me royally and separately, every week, this entire season. It was only right that with next year’s draft position on the line, these 2 teams would play each other.

The more I think about it the more I realize that there was no way I was gonna get this one right. My only hope was to match my pick with my opponent’s but that would have required a lack of scruples.
I have no scruples...but not when it comes to fantasy football.

The next ass-poling came from the Falcons/New England matchup. The Pats were giving up 4.5 and I thought Atlanta had enough fire power to at least keep it close, if not win. There were a few shenanigans in that game and in the end the Pats more than covered but I just felt the Falcons didn’t want it that badly.

The final pink-socking came Monday Night where the Panthers failed to cover 8.5 against the Cowboys. That game went pretty much how I thought it would. The Panthers kept it close. My hope was that if they could break 2 big plays, whether from Steve Smith or Deangelo Williams, it would be enough. That never happened, yet the Panthers still had the game covered until the final minutes when Jake turned the ball over twice.

It’s a bit unfair of me to single out Jake because while he had 3 turnovers in the game none were truly his fault. His protection failed him on the final sack-fumble. Muhsin Muhammad gave up on the ball on the first INT. And the most devastating TO, the pick-6, came because Steve Smith inexplicably changed his route when he saw Terence Newman about to jump it.
Don’t get cute, Steve, at least not with MY money!

(sigh)

Had I to do it all over again I’d probably make the same picks from top to bottom.
As it is I’m 31-18 on the year so let’s try to jump back on the horse.

EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES

The Autumn Wind @ HOUSTON -9 (±42.5)
I’ve already mentioned how the Texans are making it their life’s work to make an ass of me week after week, but the Raiders are getting their licks in too. Week 1 they cover against the Chargers, then they beat the Chiefs at Arrowhead and then they follow all that up by getting spanked by the Broncos at home.
So here we are again.

The fact remains that the Jamarcus Russell stinks as a quarterback and as much as the Texans have failed to cover, they’ve never failed to put up points.
Here’s to hoping Schaub and AJ stay healthy!

Oilers @ Jacksonville +3 (±41.5) OVR
Friggin Titans, man. Yet another team that befuddles me. Their WRs are so much better than last year’s and Lendale is off the Patron, yet they can’t make it happen in the red zone. These AFC South matchups are always close so it’s really a matter of taking the over/under.
I don’t trust Tennessee to contain MoJo so...
Take the OVR.

B-MORE RAVENS @ Foxborough -2 (44.5)
Charm City Ravens, on the other hand, have yet to let me down and I’m very proud of my taking them to cover 13 against the Browns. Patriots still don’t look sharp but it will happen sooner or later. That said, the Ravens are simply a better team. And let’s not forget that the last time these two faced each other was in 07 and Baltimore had them beat.

I like the Ravens.

BENGALS @ Cleveland +6 (±38)
Another pick I’m especially proud of, The Bengals beat the Steelers last week. Came down to the final seconds but the fact is this team is pretty solid. They can run. They can pass and that defense is plucky (somebody needs to get Rey-Rey under control). Derek Anderson is starting but people are underestimating how bad the Browns are.
Bengals cover.

The New York Football Giants @ Arrowhead +8.5 (±42) UND
Wow. What did the Giants do to deserve this stretch of schedule? Oh yeah. They lost a chance to repeat to Osi's injury, Plax's antics and lost Kenny Phillips to a season ending arthritis injury.

I don’t make official Giants picks ATS and the over was a good bet against the Bucs last week but who woulda thought they’d pitch a shutout with that many guys missing on defense?

(Did they really throw Tuck out there in a shoulder harness?)

While I doubt they serve up 2 straight bagels, the losing team won’t score enough to touch the over so…
Take the UNDER.

SPARTANS @ Soldier Field -10 (±39)

I think everyone took the Lions to cover last week. Many of us even thought they’d win. Look, this team can move the ball. I still think they made a mistake in taking Stafford but he’ll be competent enough to win them a few games.

I’ve literally not made my mind up as I write this. Ten points is a lot but the Lions are still a horrible team, especially on defense. This is probably the week Forte gets back on track and were this in Detroit I mighta taken the Lions to cover but….you know what?
Fuckit.
Take the Lions.

Bucs @ JACK KENT COOKE -7.5 (±37)
Wow (pt. Deux!)
It’s gonna be really tough to take Tampa in any of their games. These guys are rebuilding just about every part of their team. New HC. New defense. New QB. They fired their OC weeks before the season. They’re a hot mess. The Braves aren’t much better but you gotta figure scores from Portis and Squish-Squam is all it’s gonna take.
I like Washington.

‘hawks @ INDIANAPOLIS -10.5 (±44)
I was tempted to take the over since now the Colts are without Bob Sanders AND Dwight Freeney. But why get cute?

Colts cover.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

New Jersey Titans @ THE SUPERDOME -7 (±45)
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

PAAAAAIN!!!

I’ll take the Saints.

Bills @ JOE ROBBIE +1.5 (±37)
This game gave me fits. Another game I can see going in all sorts of directions. Trent Edwards is a bonafidelitly terrible quarterback (and yes, I made that word up. Wanna fight about it?). But Lee Evans tends to do well against the South Beach Wildcats and you gotta figure T.O.’s 0-fer won’t abide.

Speaking of the Wildcat, has Pat White played at all this season? And didn’t I tell you Chad Pennington can’t put together 2 good seasons in a row?

Speaking of QBs named “Chad”, we finally get to see Jake Long protecting Chad Henne’s backside again (feel free to go crazy with that one).
Will they recreate some of that ol’ Michigan Magic?
Was there even a such thing?
Finally, is it too much to ask pro-players to maintain their collegiate rivalries? I’d love to see a Ted Ginn Jr. freeze-out.

Speaking of “freeze-outs”… uhh…Dolphins cover.

Rams @ CANDLESTICK -9.5 (±37.5)
Brett fuggin’ Favre. I’m not gonna feed into the hype machine by discussing his last second “heroics”. But is there ANY doubt that Coach Singletary’s Niners will cover whatever spread you put in front of them?
(besides the aforementioned Hail-Mary, of course.)

Frisco all the way.

COWBOYS @ Mile High +3 (±42.5)
Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
Cowboys cover.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

CHARGERS @ Heinz Field -6 (±43)
Didn’t these 2 teams play each other last year at Pittsburgh? Remember the “Troy Polamalu intercepted-illegal-fwd-pass-return-TD-Steelers-non-cover-cover Game”? 11-10?
A conventional man would take the under.

BUT... what has 2 thumbs and is NOT gonna taking “under”?

THIS GUUUY!!!

I’m taking the Light Brigade.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Packers @ The Metrodome -3.5 (±45) OVR
Speaking of Mr. Monday Nights!
I am very much looking forward to seeing these two former partners in primetime faceoff.


BTW, Everyone’s making a big deal about this game but really, it’s the Vikings AT Green Bay that’s gonna be the emotional one. This is really just some guys in yellow helmets playing some old dude in a shitty dome.
Take the OVER.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK: Gonna try something a little different this week. We're gonna do a 6-Team Teaser!

For the uninitiated, a "teaser" bet is one in which you move the line a set number of points to your advantage. The odds aren't as favorable but if you can get enough games into your parlay it's worth the while.

Moving the line 6 points on a 6-Team Tease gets you around 7/1 odds, in which case I like:

Lions +16, Colts -4.5, Saints -1, Dolphins +7, Cowboys +3, and Chargers +12

So give it a whirl, ladies. And as always...

...Good Luck and God Bless!"

I'M A CHICKEN-HAWK...

...and YOU'RE a chicken!!!

*****NFL PICKS: WEEK 3*****

Another fun week.

Great prime-time games.

A few upsets (like the feeling of Redskins fans about their team only beating the Rams by two).

Ocho Cinco made a complete fool of Roger Goodell with his “Lambeau Leap”. Not only did he highlight the hypocrisy of forbidding premeditated endzone celebrations while allowing the Green Bay Packers to perform a stunt that has its own name. But he completely took the teeth out of Goodell’s proverbial bite. What was he to do? On the one hand he HAD to fine him for what could be more premeditated than the performance of a pre-named stunt that was announced and publicly reported on a week before the game. But doing so would mean he’d have to outlaw the tradition entirely.

Bravo Ocho, but please don’t stop there. Let’s make every Sunday a spectacle.

I think I scrambled to go 11-6 last week (if you count the Saints OVR). That’s 22-11 on the season.

Let’s hope I do even better this week.

EARLY AFTERNOON GAMES

OILERS @ The Meadowlands -3 (±37)

Both these teams cost me a lot of money last week. Too much faith in the Titans at home and not enough in The Jets playing against New England. Now I’ve got both teams going against each other and I’m left with this dilemma. Do I suck it up and accept that Mark Sanchez and this Jets defense is for real? Or do I refuse to think a team like the Titans will start the season 0-3?

Wish this line wasn’t so low but I’m going with Tennessee.

Jags @ HOUSTON -3.5 (±47)

And here’s the other half of my Houston Bowl screw job. Now that I think about it, this team (along with the Jets) screwed me 2 weeks in a row. There’re at home. Everyone’s healthy and the Jags are still one dimensional.

The New Texans cover.

Browns @ CHARM CITY -13 (±38.5)

The Ravens D is letting me down fantasy-wise but in actual football play they can afford to be less than their best because they finally have an offense that can post 30 on any given. Hard to believe we’ve come to a point where one would seriously consider The Ravens covering 2 TDs as a favorite.

But nothing about the Browns tells me they’ll score more than 6 points. Just terrible.

I’m taking Baltimore.

Braves @ MOTOWN +6.5 (±38.5)

Hey! Remember last year during the automaker bailout crisis when the DC fat-cats made the all the Detroit fat-cats come down to Washington to kiss the ring?

Well this has nothing to do with that.

ACTIVATE MEGATRON!

The New York Football Giants @ Tamp Bay +6.5 (±44) OVR

Boy, did my G-Men come through for me big time down in Dallas! There were 2 players I desperately wanted in the 08 draft: Kenny Phillips and Mario Manningham. Unfortunately the football gods will not let me have both of them healthy for a full season. Phillips is on the IR. But Super Mario has arrived and The Bucs pass D is reminds me of an autumn in London circa 1940 (take your time).

I don’t officially make line picks when it comes to the Giants but you’re safe with the OVER for the 2nd straight week.

PACKERS @ Gateway City +6.5 (±41) OVR

Speaking of activating an 08 stud, WHERE ARE YOU MR. RODGERS?! The fate of both of my fantasy teams hinges on the wisdom of passing up Drew Brees in the 2nd and a RB in the 3rd to pick you.

Now there’s no way the St. Louis wins this game. I’d stake my reputation as a prognosticator of week 3 Packer-Rams games. But please, for the sake of Packer fans, my Sportsbook account and both “Gotham’s Finest” teams, let’s make this a laugher.

Green Bay going away. (They’ll also take care of that OVER by themselves)

49ERS @ Twin City West -6.5 (±39)

I might literally be 11-1 ATS with Coach Singletary dating back to when he took over last year. He’s by far my favorit e NFL coach not named Tom Coughlin. They’re probably gonna need Shaun Hill to make some plays on the road vs. the Vikings but I still like them.

Niners cover.

FALCONS @ Foxborough -4.5 (±46.5)

Oh, New England! I think your time is up. A decade of skinflint antics has finally caught up with you. You have no impact players on defense now that Jerod Mayo is out and the 07 Giants have exposed your offense’s Achilles heel: pass protection. Much like Dudley from Diff’rent Strokes, Tom Brady does not enjoy getting molested.

Poor kid. Was never quite the same after Gordon Jump got through with him.

Whether or not the Falcons can accomplish this or not is irrelevant because Matty Ice is coming home (sorta) and he's packing heat.

Take da BOIDS!

The Old Texans @ PHILLY -7.5

This game opened at 9.5 but was quickly taken down, I’m assuming because of the Eagles QB situation. They may or may not get one up by kickoff but 7½ sounds about right to me. Kansas City poled me big time last week letting JaMarcus Russell drive down the field for a TD in the final minute. (That guy stinks, by the way.) DeSean Jackson is nicked up, but I gotta assume a week’s worth of snaps in practice will be enough for Kevin Kolb to lead Philly to victory.

Eagles.

LATE AFTERNOON GAMES

SAINTS @ Rich Stadium +6 (±51.5)

Buffalo weather forecast calls for rain…provided, of course by moisture-saturated clouds or Drew Brees and his traveling circus.

NOLA’s got TDs to spare.

Wildcats @ QUALCOMM -6 (±44)

This game gave me more fits than I care to admit. Actually I just admitted it and I didn’t really care.

But I think The Chargers lost another 6 offensive lineman and their defense is underwhelming. Six points for a Dolphin team that can control 45 minutes of a clock is a lot. I still gotta roll with the Light Brigade.

Chargers cover.

Steelers @ CIN CITI +4 (±37)

Ooooh. Bad loss for the Steelers but I saw that coming. The Bengals winning in Green Bay took me completely by surprise. I do like their defense though. They should be 2-0 right now. I can see them keeping it close. Can’t believe I’m gonna say this but…

…put your money on the Bengals.

Broncos @ OAKLAND +1 (±37)

These two teams deserve each other. They both stink yet kinda not. But most amazingly, they are both tied for first place with San Diego. I like the Raiders defense and running game enough to see them pulling it out in the Black Hole.

Take the Autumn wind.

BEARS @ Seattle +2 (±37)

Did you know that “Seneca Wallace” is Chinookan for “Bears cover”?

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

COLTS @ Arizona -2.5 (±48)

I’ve recently come to realise that Peyton Manning will never lose a game by more than 8 points. And this will only happen if the Colts are down by 16 w/5 min. to play, him driving down to score w/2pt conversion, and the special teams failing to recover the onside kick.

That has nothing to do with this game, by the way. But please feel free to drink whenever you hear the phrase “shoot-out in the desert”.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Panthers @ The White Death Star -8.5 (±47.5) 0VR

Last year Ed Reed and Ray Lewis ended the Cowboys home season by leading their rebel alliance down to Irving, Texas and blowing up the 1st Death Star. This year, Eli & Company kicked off the Cowboys home season by doing the same to the new one.

It sure is purty though!

I wanted to take the Cowboys to cover but 8½ is a lot of points for a defense that can’t stop anyone through the air or on the ground. I can see this going either way except down.

Take the OVER.

PARLAY OF THE WEEK: Easy 3-teamer. Colts, Bears & the Giants/TB OVR (7.12)

Alright Ladies. That's about it for this week.

Happy Hunting and as always...

...Good Luck and God Bless!